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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Daily Bread

My favorite verse in the entire Bible is Matthew 6:34 (Jesus speaking),

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I first fell in love with this verse when I was in college.  I was overwhelmed by a 19-hour class schedule while working a part-time job on campus.  I used this verse as inspiration to get things done that I could get done on that day, only.  If I started thinking about the future, getting a job, hopefully marrying my boyfriend, etc., I would get stressed out.  I had to bring my focus back to today, and only today.  

Then, at 22-years-old, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes through a DKA and hospitalization.  This disease requires constant, daily (sometime hourly) attention.  It doesn't sleep, and sometimes keeps me from sleeping.  One good day could be immediately followed by a bad one (Hello, my most recent weekend).  That variability frustrates me so much that I sometimes throw Constance across the room and fall on the floor in tears.  I don't have the strength to handle this disease every. single. day.  

I'm currently trying to read through the Bible in one year, and right now I am in Exodus.  I'm at the part after the Israelites have left Egypt and begin wondering through the desert.  They become restless at the lack of food, so Moses goes to God on their behalf asking Him to provide.  God provides them with something called manna or "bread of Heaven", which is described as a wafer with honey flavor (yum).  The only rule that God gave them was that they could only eat the manna they were given for that day.  If they tried to store the manna for the next day, it would sour and grow worms (eww).  

I thought about this "daily bread" story and how it deals with diabetes.  My ultimate goals with this disease are to successfully have as many children as my husband and I decide (not diabetes) and live long enough to see our 50th wedding anniversary.  Those are the only two things that I selfishly want, and I admit that.  And I know I'm not guaranteed those things, but I still want them.  But thinking about trying to maintain an A1c under 6.5 for 9 months while handling intense hormone swings already has me exhausted.  And trying to make it over 50 years with diabetes without any complications is going to be a major statistical feat.  My goals are not unreachable, but I feel too weak to even try.  

But I do have the energy to handle diabetes today, no matter ITS mood.  And sometimes I need to have enough energy to handle diabetes this hour, even the next 30 minutes after treating a low.  When I have a reading over 300 mg/dL, my immediate reaction is to do a correction no matter my IOB and crank up my basal to 200%.  I want to come down ASAP because my mind immediately goes to that dreaded c-word, "complications".  It's so hard to take the emotions out of my sliding scale formula.  

I am so weak, and this disease trains the life out of me (literally).  But I have learned to cherish today, and lean on others to help me through like my husband, my pets, the DOC, and my Lord.  My only hope is that this post helps someone out there, because after Kerri's PostSecret post I know there are plenty of people who feel drained by this disease, too. 

4 comments:

  1. Great post Holly. While I am not a very vocal person about my faith, I definitely have it and often say several little prayers throughout the deal asking for exactly what you are talking about: strength. Strength to get through the high, the low, the dinner out, the site change, the doctor's appointment, the exercise. It's so so true, Diabetes with no days off is completely overwhelming sometimes.

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  2. Fantastic post! This is exactly what I needed to hear as I near the end of my pregnancy with T1D. It is so overwhelming! Thanks Holly! :)

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  3. Holly, this was a great post, and I feel like it was something I really needed to hear (read). I had a good cry, and glad that you shared :)

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  4. We had Matthew 6:28-34 read in our wedding. I love the image of God clothing the lillies :)
    And star-gazer lillies are my favorite flower!
    It was a good reminder as we started our marriage that God takes care of us.
    Definitely needed to hear this.
    Great post.
    I'm in Exodus at the moment too for my quiet time :)
    Enjoy your week...and thanks for great blogging!

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DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, nurse, certified diabetes educator (CDE) or any medical professional of any kind. (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express!) Therefore, please do not use any of my postings as medical fact. I am simply a blogger expressing my highs and lows (pun intended) with diabetes. For changes in your medication, exercise regiment, or diet please consult a qualified physician.

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My name is Holly and I live in north Alabama with my hubby, two cats, and a dog.