Dear Mother of a Tomboy

Dear mother of a tomboy,

I see you there, in the grocery store, with her trailing a few feet behind you. Her straight brown hair touches her shoulders, blue T-shirt, knee-length plaid shorts, and converse sneakers. Her soft blue eyes catch mine. You give her a look as if to say, "Come on, already!" I can tell you're frustrated, because you wish she was just a little different. A little more feminine. You may think she is being defiant by her clothes and lack of makeup and hair products. But she is just being herself. I know, because I am her.

I am the younger sister to a much older brother, the long awaited girl in the family. However, I looked up to my father and brother and wanted to be just like them. So I swore off all things feminine, pink, and seemingly "girly". My mother and I had our fair share of arguments over lace blouses, permed hairstyles, and wearing jeans to church. That side of being a girl never appealed to me. It just didn't. I found my feminine strength on the softball field, scraped knees, and combat boots. I didn't want to be just like the boys. I just wanted to be me. So let me give you some advice from a grown tomboy, one who seemingly has it altogether now.

Let her choose her clothes. As long as it's modest, don't say a word about the constant T-shirts, pony tail, and faded jeans. She is finding her own style and eventually she'll be comfortable in her own skin. Until then, let her find her confidence in her comfort.

Let her play/do whatever sport/activity she chooses. She may want to play lacrosse. Let her. She may want to try out as a kicker for the football team. Let her! You have no idea how much confidence a girl gets through being good at athletics. Even when I had no self-esteem about my looks, I found it on the field. And when she's ready to stand in front of a mirror with a pretty dress on, her confidence from the field will be her foundation.

You may question her sexuality. Don't. She wants to be loved and get married (to a man) someday, but she just wants to be loved for who she is. She may want a low key wedding and refuse to wear a tiara. Please accept that, it will be best for both of you. And don't be surprised when she plans her wedding around the college football schedule (I did).

You may think you failed as a mother because she's a tomboy. You didn't. She is independent and creative, probably just like you. I've realized that although I fought with my mom over not being girly enough, it's because we're both very, very stubborn. I admire her and love her. I am the strong woman I am today because of her. She loves you, promise.

Above all, don't lose hope in her. I have my feminine days when I don makeup and fix my hair because I want to. But for the most part, I'd rather wear jeans and my favorite baseball shirt. She is no less a woman. She'll grow up, go to college and find even more confidence in the classroom than she did on the field, marry some cute engineer who loves her natural style, and have her own daughter one day and once again swear off the "pink explosion" that seems to come with baby girls. She is unique. She is her own. Cherish her.

Sincerely,

Grownup tomboy in aisle 3

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Hello, Sweetheart. I don't know if you can hear me, but you seem to respond when I laugh or hear Daddy talk. So I'm going to assume that you can for just a little bit.

Tomorrow is a big day for you because it is your birthday! I know it's probably not what you're expecting. I know you'd rather hang out in your hot tub for a few more days or weeks, even. But this is hopefully the ONLY time in your life that diabetes will affect a moment in yours. I did my best to give you the proper place to grow for the past 9 months, but the doctor thinks it's best for you and me if you came out now. Don't be scared. They are the very best and they will keep an eye on you and me the whole time. Then I'll get to hold you just as I have been this whole time, only this time it will be with my hands rather than my belly.

One thing I want you to know more than anything is that you are so SO wanted! What started out as a silent prayer said at Cocoa Beach, Florida turned into your heartbeat a few days later. You are so strong! From your fast heartbeat at every appointment to the kicks and jabs you give me, you've proven to me and your dad that you like to make your presence known. I can't wait to get to know you! Your dad is in love with you already, and he is so excited to meet you. Lean on him for love and encouragement, he will freely give it. We will do our best to teach you about your Heavenly Father who loves you more than we do, if you can believe that!

I'm so anxious to meet you, and I can't wait to hold you. I love you so much!

Love,
Your Mommy

Safe.

Now that I'm halfway done with my pregnancy, the idea of someone calling me "Mom" one day has me a little weak in the knees.  I'm feeling extremely maternal lately, from choosing our daughter's future pediatrician and signing up for baby classes (why are there so many classes?!).  But one thing is for sure:  I love her already.  And there's one thing I want her to feel above anything else:  

Safe.  

Safe with me, her dad, her whole family.  But most of all, I want her to know that she is safe in God's arms.  This world is a scary place.  It even starts out being scary before she even gets here because she has a diabetic momma, though I doubt she's even aware of that fact right now.  But I am.  And whenever I feel scared and vulnerable due to a high blood sugar or a scary low and what effect it might have on her, I remember one thing:  I am in charge of very little when it comes to her growth.  Yes, she's inside me and healthy mommy =  healthy baby and all that, but I've been floored with how little this pregnancy has to do with me.  

The God that created this universe is in charge of my very small girl.  He's the one that gave her her little heartbeat at that first ultrasound appointment.  He's the one who's made sure that she is thriving despite my setbacks.  And I know that despite my best control, He could take her away from me tomorrow.  Scary, and humbling.  She is a gift everyday I have her, and I want to engrave it on her heart that God loves her (more than me).  She will always ALWAYS be safe under His umbrella.  

That's how I describe my Christian faith when people ask.  If I lost everything today--my job, my house, my husband--I would still have enough because I have Him.  It's that indescribable peace that makes it OK to cry into a pillow all night long and wake up feeling comforted.  I've been in situations where I've felt that way.  In a not-so distant past (pre-D), I felt that exact feeling after some not-so great decisions on my part.  I prayed to simply be back in His loving arms, happy to be the single, crazy cat lady for the rest of my life.  But He chose to bless me with an amazing man that I don't deserve and a wonderful life that's 180 degrees from where I was. 

And that brings me back to the title of this post.  When I got pregnant, my song of choice to soothe me during those high blood sugar/stressed out fits was "Safe" by Phil Wickham.  The whole song is amazing, but the chorus is what really gets me and is my personal lullaby to her during those times.  

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

To my little girl, my prayer for you everyday is that you find a safe place in Him.  Your dad and I are going to do our hardest to make sure you see Him through us, until you're old enough to find Him for yourself.  And Dear God, please help me not to screw it up! 

God is my refuge and strength, my very present help in time of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)  

What Matters to Me

Merry post-Christmas, everyone!  I hope you all had a great holiday and got to eat some bolusworthy food and your BGs behaved well.  I experienced some food guilt, which seems to be subsiding for now.  My mind is filled with all things baby right now, especially after seeing family and getting ready to find out what little Ferbie is on Thursday.  So I hope you'll indulge me for a few posts (as if this blog hasn't been baby-filled already).  

One thing I noticed when I became pregnant is that for as many "Congratulations!" I received, I got just as many "What are you going to do about . . . " inquiries.  And the "abouts" ranged anywhere from breastfeeding to attempting natural childbirth to vaccinating.  To be honest, I hadn't thought about half of these things before I saw two lines on my bathroom counter.  I simply knew that I was pregnant and this child was mine and I was responsible for it, that was about it.  

Now that I've had a few months to think about it and get used to this whole parenting idea, I've realized that a lot of that stuff is exactly that . . . stuff.  I don't think my kid will care in 20 years if I had an epidural or even a C-section when they were born.  I'm pretty sure they're gonna care that they're here.  And whether or not I make my own baby food or buy it from a jar, I'm pretty sure they won't care as long as they're fed.  My list of things that I care about are extremely short compared to those that "everyone" (you know, the proverbial "everyone" that is really no one) seems to think I should.  

The one thing that matters to me more than anything is that my child has a good character.  To me character is defined as that choice you make when no one else is looking.  Children are a gift from God, so my main job as their mom is to make sure they don't grow up to be heathens.  That's what matters most to Trey and me, not whether or not their mom could breastfeed for 3 months, 6 months, or one whole year.  

So for every "It's best for your child if . . . " statements, I'll simply nod my head and smile.  I'm not going to think I'm any less of a mom if my child has an organic apple or a store bought one.  It's a freaking apple!  If they say "Thank you" after I hand it to them, that's more important to me than where the apple came from.  And I also don't think any less of any mom if they choose to vaccinate, can't breastfeed, or chooses any other method of parenting that they think is best for them.  It's not my child; I simply care that they grow up to be somewhat good people who open doors for the elderly and know how to wait their turn (hello, frantic mall shoppers).  

This might be a pregnant hormone-fueled post that I might end up regretting later.  But I just think someone needs to say this, so it might as well be me.  So long as they're dressed and fed and eventually learn to be grateful and love the Lord with all their mind, body, and strength, I could give a rip about everything else. 

Grateful to Celebrate

Yesterday was my 5th anniversary of being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  Given that fact, I probably didn't "celebrate" in the way I should have.  I didn't have anything truly "bolus worthy" like a cupcake, nor did I really make a big deal out of it other than a Twitter update.  In fact, yesterday was more reflective than anything, surrounded by my normal Sunday activities--church, laundry, and some light Christmas shopping. 

Thinking back to that day, more than anything I'm extremely grateful.  I'm grateful that I made it through diabetic ketoacidosis and surviving a blood sugar above 1400 mg/dL.  I'm grateful that I've avoided any complications to date, even if my diabetes is still young--I will continue to celebrate that fact as long as it's true.  I'm grateful that I've managed this disease on my own from the very beginning with an average A1c of 6.5%.  I'm grateful that I haven't let this disease define who I am, and never will. 

Diabetes is hard and diabetes sucks, big time!  I've certainly had my breakdown moments, like when I threw my CGM across the room when I was over 400 mg/dL (thank you, bad insulin).  And I don't want to count the number of times I've gone to bed crying into my husband's arms because of a stupid number.  These moments happen and will happen again, and I've learned that they need to happen because it's my nature to be emotional and let things blow once in awhile.  I can't be ashamed of my tears, because they remind me that I need to rely on God. 

I hope to be here another 50 years with this disease.  Maybe there will be a cure, maybe not.  Personally, I'm not holding my breath.  Right now, I just want to celebrate the fact that I AM HERE, when I shouldn't be.  So many things in this life don't matter.  But those that do matter, I want to celebrate.  I want to celebrate my family who poured over me in love in those first few weeks after my diagnosis.  I want to celebrate my wonderful husband whose arms are the safest place in the world.  I want to celebrate my friends and everyone in the DOC. 

I want to celebrate simply because I can, and that's something worth celebrating. 

Music Therapy

I love listening to music!  I'm not musically-inclined at all (minus that one year I played flute in junior high), but I definitely feel my soul lifting when I hear a good song.  I gravitate towards songs that have some inspiration behind them.  One of my favorite artists right now is Manafest (a Canadian Christian rapper, eh?), and I'm really digging on his new song "Every Time You Run".  I've heard this song a couple times before, but today when I heard the chorus I thought about the DOC. 

Every time you run, every time you hide

Every time it hurts, every time you cry

Every time you run away, every time you hide your face

And it feels so far away, I'm right here with you

I know we all experience some bought of diabetes burnout at some point or another.  When I heard this song today, I just wanted to give everyone in the DOC a big hug and let you know that we are here together.  We are in this together.  You can lean on us whenever you just feel like throwing your hands in the air and saying "Forget it!"  I love you, DOC, and I'm right here with you.  

Don't Worry

For the most part, I'm a pretty positive person.  I enjoy the company of my family and friends, playing with my dogs, and a good cup of coffee.  However, I know that I'm a worrier.  I consider it more of a "pessimistic reality"--meaning if something bad can occur, I at least like to dwell on it and prepare myself.  My dear husband constantly reminds me "Why are you worrying about things that aren't even real?"  I wish I could dwell more on the positive, because for the most part that is usually the outcome.

For example, I have type 1 diabetes.  Most articles on my disease warn of possible complications such as eye, kidney, and nerve damage.  I certainly try to do my part to take care of my disease to make sure that I don't get any of those things.  And I haven't (coming up of 5 years this December).  In fact, I would argue that I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life, THANKS to diabetes.  My A1c this past Tuesday was 5.6!  The best I've had since going on the pump. 

Also, I am married and have been for 3 years now.  We received a lot of warnings when we were preparing for marriage that we would be miserable.  That we would wake up one day and realize we hate the person we're with!  I couldn't fathom that scenario at the time, but I at least prepared myself for that reality.  But our marriage has been so fun and so sweet and so . . . blissful, that I think all those "warnings" were nothing but smoke.  Sure, we've had our hard times, but it's nothing that "Holly & Trey" as a team can't handle.  I was worried that I would hate my husband, but I love him more and enjoy him more that I ever prepared myself for.

The same thing happens all the time.  I worried about a test in school, but I end up doing awesome.  I worried about not passing my thesis defense, but I was passed within 5 minutes.  I worry, I worry, and I worry.  Most of the time, over nothing. Some might say that my worrying just puts me in a more aware, prepared state of mind.  But I'd like to go through some things in life not worrying in the beginning and enjoy the process.

I know the best thing I can do is surround myself with positive people to counter my negativity.  I hate that most doctor's appointments will be spent making sure nothing is going wrong, at least in my mind.  I need to look for the positive.  I need to BE positive.  The Bible has 365 verses where the phrase "don't worry" is mentioned, but my favorite verse about having a positive mindset is Phillipians 4:8,

"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such thing."

I need to tattoo this phrase on my right wrist, next to my medical ID.  

Convicted about Carbs

For anyone who has been following my blog for any length of time, you know that I firmly believe that diabetics should be able to eat and drink anything they want.  I even went as far as to perfect the bolus for the tricky combination that is pizza and beer.  A typical day in my diet includes cereal for breakfast (it's Kashi, so give me some credit), Greek yogurt for a mid-morning snack, a turkey sandwich for lunch, popcorn or a cereal bar in the afternoon, and a protein-heavy dinner but usually includes a side of bread like a roll or cornbread.  Occasionally, I will indulge in some ice cream before bed (but don't we all?). 

I love carbs!  (As you can probably tell.)  But I also believe that our bodies need carbs to function, especially the brain.  I've always wondered what long-term effects the Atkins diet would have on a body, because it can't be healthy to wrap a Big Mac in lettuce.  But carbs come in all different types of food, from your typical bread products, to pure sugar, to natural sources like fruit and starchy vegetables.

And after reading this article, I started to become convicted about what I put into my mouth and justifying it with the flag of "I'm diabetic, but I can eat what I want!"  I'll admit, I sort of carry a chip on my shoulder for anyone who gives me a glare when they see me check my blood sugar at a restaurant and then order a big bowl of creamy Alfredo pasta.  That article was basically God retorting my reasoning with, "But what about what I say?"  Eeesh, it was prick at my heart that I knew could only come from Him.  The sin of gluttony is one that's not talked about a lot, especially in our current culture, but it's one I'm guilty of A LOT. 

I started to re-evaluate my diet and look at what I could change from having strictly bread products.  I started by having a chargrilled chicken salad with fruit toppings for lunch.  It had the same amount of carbs that a typical turkey sandwich would have, but a lot less calories (I suppose bread-like carbs are more bloated with calories).  And this morning for breakfast I had 4 slices of turkey bacon, a small clementine, and a glass of skim milk.  Again, almost the exact same amount of carbs that I usually have with my Kashi cereal, but less calories and more protein. 

Obviously, I'm not expecting to go completely bread-free from here on out, but I think I can make small changes in the meals I'm in charge of to eliminate the heavy carbs.  And when I say heavy carbs, I mean the big 5:  bread, pasta, rice, tortillas, and cereal (this last one made me tear up a big, I LOVE cereal!).  Besides, I think if I can make most of my total carb amount come from more fruits and starchy veggies than bread products, the healthier all around.

This is MY personal conviction, and I'm not saying that I think ALL diabetics should follow this plan.  This is just something I'm following through with because I truly feel convicted by it.  But if there are those out there that have followed a similar plan (i.e. avoiding the big 5), I would love to get some meal ideas from you.  I know I need to stock my fridge with more fruit and vegetable choices so that it will be easy to grab and go.  But what else can I do to avoid bread products (and not go crazy at the same time?).

EDIT:  I wanted to add that my resource for the "Big 5" came from this video with Dr. Lois Jovanovic about diabetes and pregnancy.  I think some of her thresholds are a little extreme, but YDMV as they say.  

Surving a Tornado: A Diabetic's Tale

There is so much to be recapped that happened last week.  I've thought for awhile how to try to write about it, and the only way is to give a recap of that day, April 27th.  For those that don't know what I'm talking about, a multiple tornado outbreak struck Alabama last week, killing hundreds and displacing thousands.  Our area was hit pretty hard, but we came out of it extremely lucky.  

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

Got up that morning and it was already raining.  I let the dogs out to pee and let them eat in the garage.  I get ready for work, all the while the radio breaks in with tornado watches and thunderstorm warnings in our area.  The National Weather Service gave our area a tornado potential of 9 for today (out of 10).  I debated leaving for work until this line passed, but it ended just as I was packing my lunch.

Get to work and continue to watch the radar, which isn't hard with an office full of weather geeks.  Another line was coming through at 10 AM.  I watched its path intently, but it seemed to go north of us.  I called our neighbors to see if our dogs were still OK outside.  They said they couldn't see them, but they barely got any rain anyway.  They asked me if I wanted them to let them in before the next line was to hit at 12 PM.  I said they didn't have to, but it would be a decision I would later regret. 

At 11:30 AM, a tornado warning was issued for our area, and we got an announcement to make our way down to the basement.  I grab my things and head down to the very stinky basement with the rest of my colleagues.  We all crowd around smart phones as we try to watch the radar.  The rain outside was pounding.  We tried to keep ourselves entertained as much as we could with Angry Birds and conversation while the storm passed.  Then someone said something that would make my heart sink, "A tornado has been seen on the ground northwest of us."  My heart sank.  Even though we were safe, my mind immediately jumped to our house and our two dogs outside.  I texted Trey that I was going to leave as soon as it was safe to do so, my hands were shaking I was so worried. 

I was finally able to leave my office at 12:30 PM, but it took me over an hour to get home due to the debris that had already blocked the roads.  It was the longest hour of my life.  With each turn that I made, I saw more destruction.  Five foot diameter trees were uprooted.  Fences blown over.  Powerlines were sagging where the posts were snapped.  The whole time, I was just trying to maintain my sanity.  If that house had their fence torn apart, surely ours wouldn't have made it.  I kept thinking of all the trees in our backyard, and seeing several trees on tops (and through) people's homes.  I felt tears begin to fall down my face as I got closer to my street.  I had to drive in the middle of one street where the sides were beginning to flood.  One more road to go, but in my heart I had already prepared myself for the worst when I got home. 

I was about to turn on my street where a line of cars were being stopped by a policeman.  Most cars were trying to go straight to get to the main road, I was trying to turn left to my house.  "Where you headed?" the policeman asked.  "I live down there, on the left."  "You can try, but it's blocked a ways up there."  I didn't care, I would run a mile if I had to.  I just wanted to get home.  I came over the hill before our driveway, and the powerline across the street had been snapped in two and was draped across the road.  I parked in our neighbor's driveway, and I saw Roscoe coming out of some bushes next to the house, barking at me.  Missy was not far behind him.  "Thank you, God!"  I ran across the flooded ditch in my dress pants and heels, turned the key, and ran to the garage.  I let my dogs in and fell on my knees and broke down.  I probably cried for a good 5 minutes, embracing my soaked, muddy dogs like they had just come back from the dead.  I attempted to dry them off with some towels, but we didn't have much time before the next line was about to come through. 

I gathered all 4 pets, my phone, and a flashlight, and crammed all of us in our bedroom closet.  Trey was still at work, but they had lost power.  He said he would attempt to come home after this next line came through.  I have to give big props to my friend Jessica for keeping me informed through the storm.  I was unable to locate a hand radio before we needed to take cover, so she texted me while I was in the closet and kept me informed of the storm's location.  I was able to peek out of the closet one time, and the rain was coming down so hard I couldn't see past our deck.  It was like being inside a car wash, and all you see is the water streaming down.  The power was already out, so I lied down in the closet with the little LED flashlight. 

At this point, I have to admit, I was scared.  The wind was howling outside, with faint sounds of cracking--I knew it was trees being snapped.  As I sat in the closet listening to the storm, I began to pray.  I had never been through a storm like this before, and I had already seen the destruction from the previous line.  I wasn't scared of dying, but I was afraid of how.  I prayed that if this was my time to go, that God would send an angel to take my body before I felt any pain.  I wanted my soul to be taken just before the tornado would hit our house.  Tears began rolling down my face.  I couldn't believe it, I was ready to die. 

The storm eventually passed, but I was still in the closet.  I was about to fall asleep, using Roscoe as a pillow, when I heard, "Holly!"  I jumped out of the closet and ran down the hall, Trey had made it home safe and sound.  With a few minutes of daylight left, we went outside to check on our neighbors.  Our across-the-street neighbors had a tree fall in their dining room, but they had already tarped over it.  Our next door neighbors also had a tree fall and graze their house.  We had a tree fall on our back fence. 

Now that the storms were over, we geared up for what was already predicted to be a long hiatus without power.  We got in my car to try to drive around our street so we could park it in our driveway.  As we turned the corner down our street, I broke down.  The devastation was overwhelming, and we didn't even know the extent of it yet. 

Next, I'll focus on the following week:  the cleanup, running on a generator, cold showers, rekindling my love of reading, hauling trees, and how my blood sugars played during all this. 

Everything

Today is Good Friday, the day of the ultimate Passover when Jesus took on the sins of the world as the blood sacrifice.  When Jesus said, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" it wasn't because he felt abandoned on the cross.  It was because Jesus was wearing all the sins of the world at once, and God couldn't bear to look on Him. 

"Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" ~John 1:29

I love this skit to Lifehouse's "Everything".  It pretty much sums up the hope and meaning of the cross in 5 minutes, 33 seconds.  Especially the last part with the knife, because I know several people with diabetes have felt that hopeless.  Gives me chills every time I watch it.

Happy Easter! 

Freakin' Out!!!

I have a confession to make:  I'm not the most graceful, organized person (please contain your shock), especially when I'm stressed.  And when it comes to the devices of technology that I rely on to keep me alive, I am particularly anxious.  If one of them goes missing, I pretty much become a basket case. 

Yesterday I started a new project at work, which wouldn't be an incredibly stressful thing except I also had my first softball game yesterday.  So I was at a new place and out of my routine--something that diabetics thrive on.  I had already missed my afternoon snack, sending me low in the middle of a lab test, so I was already frazzled.  With 15 minutes left before I needed to leave, I went to the bathroom to change from my work clothes to my softball clothes. 

I was wearing a really pretty peasant dress yesterday that had no pockets.  Arnold was securely tucked away in my undergarments, but Constance would switch from my purse to my jacket pocket so I could keep an eye on her.  In my hurry to get dressed, I put Constance in my shorts pocket when my medical ID got caught on a loose string.  I pulled with one, swift jerking motion and *SNAP* the lobster clasp broke.  "Fantastic!" I sarcastically retorted.  I had this bracelet since my diagnosis, so it was bittersweet to know it was broken (even though it was still sporting my maiden name).  I threw my broken bracelet into my bag, threw my hair into a ponytail, and headed out to my car. 

I called Trey on the way, and he asked if I was going to eat before my game at 6 PM.  "I'm stopping at a gas station right now to get a candy bar or something."  I was about to get out of my car when I reached for Constance in my pocket . . . except she wasn't there!  "Nooooooo . . ." I whispered.  I immediately freaked!  I frantically started going through my gym bag, purse, jacket where she hung out most of the day.  I got out of the car and thoroughly inspected underneath the passenger and driver's seats.  I forgot the candy bar and jumped back in my car headed back to the lab where I just came from.

 I ran back to the lab the same way I came out, scanning the parking lot for my black-colored egg, starting my Easter celebrations early.  I went back to the bathroom where I got dressed and got on the floor looking for my trusty CGM.  I made 2 more loops around the parking lot (I considered this my "warming up" for the game) before giving up and deciding that my poor little CGM was lost somewhere in a dark place, crying and BEEEEEEEPing for me to find her.  I fell back in my car, exhausted and crying, I kept saying "No, no, no!!!" over and over. 

I was already considering making some of these. 

I immediately called Dexcom and inquired how much a new receiver would be.  They told me that since my receiver was still under warranty that I would only have to pay half of its normal value (just FYI if you've ever wondered).  I decided to wait on ordering another one because I'm not the greatest at finding things, especially when I'm running late/stressed/tears running down my face.  I told myself I would wait until I got home and Trey and I could take apart the car together. 

I parked at the softball fields, already running 10 minutes late, I decided to go through the car one. more. time.  I go through my gym bag, purse, and jacket on the passenger's side as well as looking underneath the seat (also note to self:  Holly, clean your car!  Pretty sure I interrupted some dust mites having dinner).  Then I go over to the driver's seat and looked between the seat and the center console . . . and there she was, neatly tucked between the seat belt clasp and the center console department.  I could barely see the familiar opening where the charger cable plugs into.  It was as if I put her there on purpose.  

I pushed my monstrous hands (yes, for a girl, I have big hands) pass the seat and grab my long-lost CGM and actually kissed it!  "Thank you!" I said as a prayer back to God for the many, many "Please help me find it!"s I said on the way to the ballpark.  I breathed a sigh of relief and headed to the field, contemplating using duct tape to tape the receiver to my leg.  Constance showed that I was 153 mg/dL headed straight up (hello, stress). 

So I ended up having a great game, including scoring a nice welt on my left leg from a slide.  I went home and Trey and I ordered me a new medical ID.  All the while I kept patting my pocket every 5 minutes seconds to make sure that Constance didn't decide to fall out again. 

Little Close to Home

This post discusses the movie Soul Surfer that came out this past weekend.  Thus, it may contain some spoilers that may or may not reduce your own personal enjoyment of the film.  You've been WARNED!!! 

This past weekend was the best weekend I've had all year.  Mexican dinner Friday night with friends, dog park on Saturday followed by a steak dinner at home while watching The Town (excellent movie!), and Sunday was church followed by a matinee movie.  The movie we saw was Soul Surfer--the story of pro-surfer Bethany Hamilton who lost her left arm in a shark attack when she was 13-years-old.

I was initially drawn to this movie because of Bethany's outspokenness about her faith, something that I struggle with all the time.  While I'm definitely not a pro-surfer, there was one scene in the movie that felt eerily close to me.  The day after the shark attack, Bethany is laying in the hospital bed with her dad sitting in the chair next to her.  She wakes up and notices her dad crying and she tells him, "Dad, don't cry."   Her dad covers his face and says, "I'm not crying."  Yeah, right.

That scene took me back to that hospital room in early December 2006 when my dad walked into the room, took one look at me, and turned around to cover his face.  "I'm OK, Dad.  Don't cry."  It didn't matter, though, because my dad had already lost it.  I'm pretty sure I looked like death with a tube in my nose, IVs in my arm, and hair that hadn't been washed in 3 days.  My dad drove 5 hours to see his daughter like this, a hard site for sure. 

After watching Soul Surfer, I got to see my diagnosis from the point of view of my loved ones.  I could never imagine how Trey felt when he had to carry my lifeless body to the hospital after I had collapsed into DKA.  I can't imagine what my parents thought when they saw me giving myself shots, wanting to help, but not wanting to interfere because they knew I had to do this on my own . . . for the rest of my life.  I never knew how many countless prayers and phone calls were made on my behalf.  I never knew or saw the worry; I was just trying to recover.  But Soul Surfer brought me to the other side, and watching it was almost too much.

What really struck me about Bethany was her constant positive attitude.  Only once did she get frustrated and give up on surfing, but it was for a short while.  She gave God the glory to the fact that she was still alive and was given the public platform of professional surfing to give hope and inspiration to countless others.  She took her tragedy and turned it into her testimony.

I'll probably never have the platform that Bethany has, but I still wonder how my having diabetes is supposed to fit into my testimony.  I've written how having diabetes makes my soul stronger, but how can I use that for God's glory?  Other than this blog, I haven't really shared how my diabetes and faith fit together.  But I definitely feel a kinship to Bethany because we both lost something.  Her loss is more evident, whereas mine is invisible.  Her positivity, even through her actress playing her character, was infectious and I hope I can be as much of an inspiration as she is.

Things on My Radar

Yesterday I had my yearly female appointment with my gynecologist.  Even though his office is labeled as OB/GYN, I like to invert the two and add an "O" making him my "GYNOOB" (pronounced "guy"-"noob"), cuz I'm mature like that. 

I know most women can't say this, but I love my gynecologist!  Of all my doctors, he is definitely the nicest and most encouraging one I have.  Yes, you may have to wait over an hour past your appointment time to see him, but it's worth it when he takes your time with you and treats you like you're the only patient in the world.  (And especially with this kind of appointment, sensitivity and patience is key.)

He always makes a point to ask me, with genuine sincerity, about my diabetes.  I usually tell him, "Fine," but I know I could say, "It's a pain in the arse," if I wanted to.  When he asked me what my last A1c was and I said 6.3, he looked up from his chart and smiled, "Good for you!  That's awesome!"  "Thanks, I just try to keep up with it," I shrugged. This (A1c) point led to an interesting topic between us:

Me:  "So, what would be your threshold for, say, pregnancy?"

Dr. (smiling):  "Oh that's a great topic!  I would want you to stay under 7.0, but that will be controlled by you and your endo.  Who are you seeing for that?"

Me:  "Dr. [insert name here], the one with the 'special' sense of humor."

Dr. (stomping his foot and laughing):  "That is so true, he's definitely unique."

Nice to know even another doctor notices my endo's dry personality.  Should make April feel better.  ;-)

So after this nice little chat and my *ahem* exam, he looked me in the eye and told me I was just as healthy as any other woman who desires children.  "That's what I wanted to hear," I said and he walked out the door.  And before I left the room, I paused and held onto his words like they were charms on a bracelet:  "just as healthy".  Even though we're not trying for a baby right now, I like knowing that we could.  Like the power of my diabetes is harnessed and chained, under my control.  I couldn't help feeling a little empowered, like some goddess of femininity wielding a pump and CGM.

Trey and I talk about having kids all the time, like they're already here or something.  And sometimes I forget that having diabetes makes that dream a little more of a nightmare.  I'm not afraid of the lab-rat-type testing I'll undergo, or even the constant warnings of complications due to high blood sugars.  The one thing I'm afraid of more than anything:  motherhood itself.  I know I want kids, and I desire them more than anything.  I get all teary-eyed at posts like this one and get chills thinking about someone calling me, "Mommy."  But I'm a little anxious about the 180 life-change that will follow.  It's the same anxiety I felt before college, getting married, buying a house, or adopting another dog.  It's the anxiety of not being prepared for something very important, only to realize there's NO WAY to be fully prepared to begin with.

It's so strange to desire something that you're terrified of, like WANTING to be bitten by a snake (who would want that?!).  To be responsible for a life, a soul, that will rely on you to know how to walk through this life.  Hoping that they find God's love, and praying you're not going to screw it up!  And wondering how can you love someone so much that you haven't even met!  (CC:  Facing the Giants)

I don't know, we're so far ahead of the literal pregnancy/diabetes stuff that I'm still focused on the big picture.  All I can say is that I'm excited and terrified, especially now that I've added a new label to my blog:  pregnancy.

Whoa!  Things are starting to get too real around here.  So to level things out, here's a picture of my dog gassing me with one of her rancid farts. 

Aaaaaaaand, we're back!  =)

Daily Bread

My favorite verse in the entire Bible is Matthew 6:34 (Jesus speaking),

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I first fell in love with this verse when I was in college.  I was overwhelmed by a 19-hour class schedule while working a part-time job on campus.  I used this verse as inspiration to get things done that I could get done on that day, only.  If I started thinking about the future, getting a job, hopefully marrying my boyfriend, etc., I would get stressed out.  I had to bring my focus back to today, and only today.  

Then, at 22-years-old, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes through a DKA and hospitalization.  This disease requires constant, daily (sometime hourly) attention.  It doesn't sleep, and sometimes keeps me from sleeping.  One good day could be immediately followed by a bad one (Hello, my most recent weekend).  That variability frustrates me so much that I sometimes throw Constance across the room and fall on the floor in tears.  I don't have the strength to handle this disease every. single. day.  

I'm currently trying to read through the Bible in one year, and right now I am in Exodus.  I'm at the part after the Israelites have left Egypt and begin wondering through the desert.  They become restless at the lack of food, so Moses goes to God on their behalf asking Him to provide.  God provides them with something called manna or "bread of Heaven", which is described as a wafer with honey flavor (yum).  The only rule that God gave them was that they could only eat the manna they were given for that day.  If they tried to store the manna for the next day, it would sour and grow worms (eww).  

I thought about this "daily bread" story and how it deals with diabetes.  My ultimate goals with this disease are to successfully have as many children as my husband and I decide (not diabetes) and live long enough to see our 50th wedding anniversary.  Those are the only two things that I selfishly want, and I admit that.  And I know I'm not guaranteed those things, but I still want them.  But thinking about trying to maintain an A1c under 6.5 for 9 months while handling intense hormone swings already has me exhausted.  And trying to make it over 50 years with diabetes without any complications is going to be a major statistical feat.  My goals are not unreachable, but I feel too weak to even try.  

But I do have the energy to handle diabetes today, no matter ITS mood.  And sometimes I need to have enough energy to handle diabetes this hour, even the next 30 minutes after treating a low.  When I have a reading over 300 mg/dL, my immediate reaction is to do a correction no matter my IOB and crank up my basal to 200%.  I want to come down ASAP because my mind immediately goes to that dreaded c-word, "complications".  It's so hard to take the emotions out of my sliding scale formula.  

I am so weak, and this disease trains the life out of me (literally).  But I have learned to cherish today, and lean on others to help me through like my husband, my pets, the DOC, and my Lord.  My only hope is that this post helps someone out there, because after Kerri's PostSecret post I know there are plenty of people who feel drained by this disease, too. 

Thanks (and an Update)

This past week has felt like it has gone by in a blink.  But first, I want to give everyone a HUGE thank you for all the comments on my Dear Papa post, text messages, and emails for the passing of my grandfather.  I felt so much comfort from my online family, you guys certainly deliver.  I also wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's been going on this past week.  

Trey and I traveled to south Alabama for my Papa's funeral.  We met with my family and extended family shortly before the funeral, and it was amazing to catch up with some relatives that I hadn't seen in 10 years.  Then it was time for the funeral, and I still don't know how that many people fit in that tiny church.  My Papa had been going to the same little Baptist church for over 40 years, and the pastor was also his neighbor.  He talked about how my papa never said a harsh word to anybody and praised him for his gentle spirit. 

I didn't cry until they presented my aunt with Papa's US flag for his service in the Navy.  The tears flowed all the way until the grave site.  The pastor gave me a hug and said, "Don't you worry about him, he's in a better place wearing smile.  He's not saying much, but he's wearing a smile," again referring to my Papa's quiet nature.  We said our goodbyes to him and the rest of our family, and the funeral was over. 

The rest of the week we spent going through Papa's house, visiting with family, and just relaxing.  Mom's home cooking contributed to me gaining 2 lbs during our trip (but I'm not complaining).  I also experienced my usual traveling/stress high BGs.  So as much as I enjoyed visiting with family and getting some time off, I'm looking forward to getting back to my normal routine--including more precise carb counting (i.e. not SWAG bolusing) and exercising. 

I've got a doctor's appointment this afternoon (but not with the bad doctor) to get a physical done and have my knee looked at again.  I'm also looking forward to getting started with the Wii Fit Plus, so look for my opinion on that later.  I'm looking forward to getting back to regular diabetes blogging (and catching up on all the blogs I've missed, whoa!). 

But again, THANK YOU!!!

Dear Papa

Dear Papa,

Before I knew you, you were a hero.  A WWII Navy Veteran who served at Pearl Harbor.  You saw things that you never talked about with us.  I loved hearing your stories about steering the admiral's ship.  And you always looked so handsome in your pictures wearing your uniform. 

What I always remembered about you was your gentle spirit and your quiet nature.  I never heard you say a harsh word to anybody.  You never stressed about anything, and you always had a smile.  I believe this was one of the reasons you thrived so well in life. 

But you weren't without your ailments, though.  For as long as I can remember, you suffered from restless leg syndrome, often causing your veins to bulge.  And in the last few years of your life, you were confined to a wheelchair.  But you never complained. 

My favorite memory of you is when you came to watch me play softball in a nearby tournament.  I had no idea that you were coming, and when I took my position behind the plate like I always do, I never expected to see you behind the fence.  I have no idea if we won or lost that game, I was just so proud to have you there.  

This past Saturday, while Mom and Dad were visiting, Dad received a call that your breathing has slowed to critical levels and that you might not make it through the night.  And at 1:45 AM Sunday morning, you passed in your sleep.  Just as gently as you entered the world, you left it. 

It's hard to believe that you're gone, because I'm so used to you being around.  I was blessed to be able to see you over Thanksgiving, and you smiled when you recognized it was me.  You remembered that I moved into a bigger house, and we watched the birds chirp outside.  Mom told me you were having a good day, but I never saw you have a bad day.  You will be missed, but never forgotten. 

I love you, and I'll see you soon. 

Love your favorite granddaughter,

Holly

My Papa and I, last Memorial Day.  He was 94-years-old when he passed. 

Plans for 2011

Welcome to 2011!  I hope you all had a great New Year's celebration and bolused appropriately for that sparkling grape juice.  I have a couple of plans (resolutions, if you will) for 2011 that I wanted to share with you guys to start out 2011 for A&M. 

• I am planning on reading the whole Bible this year.  I have settled on the Christ's Church of the Valley reading plan.  I chose this plan because it has an Old Testament and New Testament reading for each day, and it follows a plan of reading just during the weekdays.  This reading plan will hopefully allow me to catch up on days that I miss and establish a reading schedule during the week.  Let me know if you're doing this plan or any other "Bible in One Year" plans; I could sure use accountability/support. 
• Establishing something of a food diary and workout routine.  We all know how important these things are to good diabetes management, but I admit that I really slacked off on both of these in 2010 between working on the house (which I tried to count as working out) and getting used to 40-hour/week job schedule.  I was never able to establish a schedule to work out nor did I have the energy.  But thanks to my handy dandy iPod, I am using the MyFitnessPal application to track my food and workout routine.  I've been using it sparingly since the summer, but more so in the last month to get in the habit.  After I write this post, I plan to go start up the Wii and get yelled at by my virtual trainer (yay?).  
• I am so excited to participate in the D365 project this year.  Since I started my blog in April, I didn't get too into the project.  But I set a reminder on my iPod for everyday at 6 PM to take a picture for the D365 project.  I'll keep the set on my Flickr account for viewing, as well as keeping the D365 tab on the top left column of my blog.  I've already taken the first picture for this year!  

You can see the excitement in my eyes. 

Hope you all have a great, healthy start to 2011!  

Meme for 2010

So 2010 is coming to an end.  I have thought about all the things that have happened this year, and there's been enough to make even a normal person go "Whew!"  I'm also thinking about what I have planned for 2011, diabetes-wise and not.  I'm also extremely scattered brained from coming down from the holidays and all the food, so my 2010-ending post will be a year-recapping meme. 

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Ummm, help remodel a house!  I mainly helped in the clean-up process, but I also learned how to tape, mainly trim, and apply painter's tape. 

2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions from last year and will you make any for 2011?
I don't think I made any concrete ones for this year, but I am planning some for 2011 like reading the Bible in one year and creating my own D365 photo set. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I had a lot of friends give birth this year, but no one in my family. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I knew personally, but I always get sad when another T1 dies regardless if I knew them or not. 

5. What countries did you visit?
LOL, no countries, but I did go to Colorado and Florida for vacations

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I honestly can't think of anything that I truly need that I didn't have in 2010, guess I'm blessed. 

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory...and why?
January 25, 2010, the day we closed on the house. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Traveling down to KSC for my job and seeing the Shuttle in person.  It was so surreal and I reflected on how much I had come in my education/career. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Never fail, just keep trying.  ;-)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I'm still getting over a cold, but other than that just the usual cuts and bruises from my own clumsiness. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my Dexcom CGM.  OK, insurance bought most of it, but I'm making the quarterly copayments for the sensors. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I definitely have to Kerri because of her post from yesterday.  Her real perspective of being an adult with type 1 diabetes is so refreshing because it's not all good all the time.  But it's something we can all relate to, and I appreciate anyone who keeps a raw perspective about this beautiful mess called life. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
There's always the groups of people who continue to display their ignorance about diabetes, but it's become so commonplace that I don't feel appalled anymore. 

14. Where did most of your money go?
House stuff, house stuff, and more house stuff. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My CGM, I freakin' cried when I heard that my insurance would cover 90% of it. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I don't know about all of 2010, but I'm really digging "Avalanche" by Manafest. 

17. Compared to last year, are you...
...happier/sadder? much happier
...thinner/fatter? truthfully, fatter, but by like 5 or 6 lbs, meh. 
...richer/poorer? both, poorer because of house, but richer from the investment. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Ride my bike.  I really missed it. 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing, I feel like I didn't sit down enough and relax this year. 

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Shooting fireworks and hanging out with our marriage mentors and their family. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I always fall in love with my husband again and again and again.  ;-) 

22. How many one-night stands?
Ummm, this meme knows I'm married, right? 

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I must confess, Teen Mom, I was totally addicted to that trashy show. 

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I didn't hate anyone last year, and I don't hate anyone now. 

25. What was the best book you read in 2010?
The two books I read were Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and The Devil in the White City.  Between those two, I liked Midnight more, but I've heard that Leo DiCaprio is making a movie of Devil, and that excites me!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My favorite band of this year was definitely Skillet. 

27. What did you want AND get?
Constance.  =) 

28. What did you want and NOT get?
If there was anything, I can't remember, so it must not have been that important. 

29. What was your favorite film of the year?
I can't remember all the ones I saw, but the first one I thought of was Eclipse. 

30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
On my actual birthday, I went straight home from work to avoid the rain, and hung out watching movies on Netflix, I am 26-years-old. 

31. What ONE thing would have made your year immensely more satisfying?
Getting to meet more people from the DOC in person. 

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Slowly transitioning from poor grad student to young professional. 

33. What kept you sane?
My husband, but he always keeps me sane. 

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I kind of developed a crush on Eddie Izzard, which is weird since he's an executive transvestite. 

35. What political issues stirred you the most?
The main one that stirred me was a local law saying all dogs deemed "dangerous" needed to be leashed or fenced.  I don't like knowing the government is defining "dangerous" and how they're going to implement it. 

36. Whom did you miss?
A certain gal pal in Denver.  ;-)

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Everyone in the DOC.  Seriously, y'all are the best. 

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson that you learned in 2010.
It really doesn't help to stress, it's better to either tackle the problem and if you can't, let it be.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
From "More Like Falling in Love" by Jason Gray, "Cause all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my fee."  I've been really reflecting on this song because I've been wanting my faith to be more real in my life, not just Sundays.

So if you're feeling burnt out from the holidays and all the food, take this meme to finish out 2010!

Thinking About Resolutions

Welcome to December, this wonderful time of year where we break out the Christmas decorations, moisturizer, and extra large insulin reservoirs for all those holiday feasts!  (What?  Just me?)  But as we enter the last month of 2010 (wow, really? already?!), I'm already starting to think about my resolutions for 2011.  Some of them are diabetes-related and some aren't (or ain't for those of you near my neck of the woods). 

I try to make resolutions that are challenging but realistic at the same time.  If I vowed to lose 20 lbs every January 1st, I'd be in the negative for that goal every year.  Most of my resolutions are things I've already thought about throughout the year, but feel the need to establish a concrete goal for it.  Here's what I have so far: 

• Get the freak back to working out!  This is probably a somewhat typical resolution, but I know I really need to establish a workout routine.  Unfortunately, I love being outdoors so I try to take my workouts to walking in my neighborhood or bike riding.  But I need a routine for indoors that doesn't need a lot of equipment.  We have a Nintendo Wii and the subsequent Wii Fit, but I asked Santa (yeah, I still believe) for the Wii Fit Plus to add some spice to my Wii-ness.  But I've also signed up for the fitness center here at work, but I need to get a doctor's physical done in order to start going there.  
• On that note, I have several doctor's appointments that I've been putting off that I've scheduled for 2011.  One of those is an eye doctor appointment.  I must confess, in the almost 4 years I've been diabetic, I've never been to an eye doctor.  I went to one before I started college, but I had such a bad experience that I refused to go to another one unless I had to (the doctor I saw was extremely forceful with my eyes and wasn't friendly at all, the tears I had after the appointment were not just doctor-induced).  But I've finally made another appointment and I'm hoping to tell them how apprehensive I am.  
• I also need to start the hunt again for another primary care physician.  I really don't want to go back to the one I saw a couple months ago for my knee, but the office where she was has several doctors.  So I'm going to ask for a switch.  I need to get a physical done in order to use the gym at work, but I also want to have a good doctor that I'm comfortable with for things non-D.  
• Less coffee, more water.  My job is great, but I believe it has helped get into the not-so-great habit of constant coffee drinking.  My 30-40 minute commute combined with 9-hour workdays is really draining, and I'm relying more and more on coffee to keep me going.  But as lovely as coffee is, it's a bad diuretic--it dehydrates me, and I'm seeing the effects of dehydration on my currently cracked knuckles.  I want to at least have as many cups of water as I do coffee, however this also might mean more trips to the restroom, which may help my first bullet point.  
• Establish an organized, house cleaning routine.  I love our house!  But it is big, and the extra space makes keeping things organized not so easy because I generally will organize and clean things when they start getting in my way.  "That pile of important mail?  Oh just move it over here and I'll think about it again in a few weeks."  The same with cleaning.  I will wait and wait and wait until the mess starts to frustrate me and I declare, "That's it!  I'm cleaning!"  And I begin a rage-fueled cleaning spree that may result in me trying to vacuum the cats because they are ultimately the root of the problem anyway.  This rage also results in a low because I don't think about the exercise involved in a 2-hour cleaning spree.  I imagine if I had an established weekly cleaning routine, I could plan for the drop in BG and (maybe) spare the cats from the vacuum. 
• And finally, my last resolution but the one I'm most excited about:  read the Bible in a year.  I grew up in church and have been a Christian for 18 years, but I've maybe read only half of the Bible, overall.  I'm looking at several "read the Bible in one year" plans and I'm hoping to settle on one before December 31st.  If I don't keep any of my other resolutions, I'm determined to keep this one. 

So those are my resolutions.  Have any of you established any yet?  Any advice for the ones I've chosen, especially the house cleaning routine one?  

Reflection

What gets me through NaBloPoMo?  A relaxing weekend and a great video about northern lights.  Sundays are a great time to relax, reflect, and perhaps say nothing at all. 



Enjoy!