I Still Get Scared

You'd think being 23 weeks pregnant with a lively, kicking baby would make me feel like I'm "in the clear" as far as anything happening to her or losing her.  But I admit that I still get scared, of what I don't know.  I just never fully shook the feelings of the first trimester when I was in the "danger zone" until that first appointment.  I felt good after that appointment, until a few days before the next one.  The day and morning before an appointment, I'm a wreck.  I am so overcome with anxiety and worry.  "Is she still OK in there?  Is she getting too big?  Is she too small?  Why haven't I felt her move in awhile?  Is that stubborn high from last night going to do something to her?"  

But as soon as I hear her heartbeat, my fears are instantly eased.  My mood leaving the OB's office is a 180 degrees from coming in.  I'm good for a few days, feeling confident and less like I'm a high risk pregnant woman.  But then the cycle starts all over until my next appointment, which is tomorrow.  So you understand where this post is coming from now? 

The other thing that makes feel scared all over again is if I have a bad day with diabetes.  Like yesterday, I got to work and glanced at Constance before I ate my yogurt, and I also looked at my 24-hour graph and I had only gone high once in the past day (and just for the record, my high threshold is currently set at 160 mg/dL, tight control is a beast).  I was feeling pretty good about everything.  The little monkey inside me was extremely active the day before, my numbers were good, and I am sporting a nice baby bump that feels huge to me but everyone else says is "so little".  Then I went to lunch with my husband and a friend and we picked a Chinese buffet.  (You can see where this is going.)

I didn't go crazy at lunch.  The most carb-heavy things I had were some fried rice and some ice cream for dessert, other than that I stuck to my obsession when it comes to Chinese food--egg drop soup, delicious and low carb.  I SWAG bolused for the meal and added a few units that I call the "pregnancy factor", but I still ended up with a stubborn afternoon high that took me several hours to come down from.  I got scared, and the first thing I want to feel when I'm scared is her kicking me or jabbing me or anything that says, "Hey, Mom, I'm right here and I'm OK."  

It seems that I need to be on my game everyday to avoid these episodes.  Test my blood sugar, take my insulin at least 30 minutes before I eat, know the carb count, correct for lows without over-correcting, exercise.  I feel like if I slip in any one of these areas that everything falls apart.  I didn't get back on track until this morning, and I'm carefully watching my CGM like I did the first week I had it.  I don't like feeling like I can't handle one slip-up without a major emotional breakdown.  

I'm hoping my appointment tomorrow will put me at ease, that I can get back to feeling confident with this pregnancy and ready to do my victory lap of conquering a diabetic pregnancy once she's here.  Because after tomorrow's appointment, I can officially pack the hospital bag.  Not that I'll be expecting to use it for a very VERY long time, but her rate of surviving outside the womb goes up after 25 weeks.  Maybe once she's here I'll stop worrying . . . right . . . RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!!?