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Monday, August 16, 2010

Fleshy Cyborg

I have a confession to make.  It's something you'll probably never heard from another woman.  I mean, it's groundbreaking stuff.  Ready?  READY?!

I'm not completely in love with my body.

Please, contain your surprise, I know this is shocking.  However, I didn't say I completely hated my body, there are some things that I love about it.  For one, I've always had a naturally slim waist.  All of my extra weight navigates towards my hips and below, making me very hippy and pear-shaped.  And as weird as this sounds, I like my neck.  My favorite piece of jewelry is a nice necklace because I like my showing off my neck.  It wasn't until I graduated from high school that I felt self-confident about my body.  My larger-than-average hips and thighs have always been here and they will always be here.  

Enter in diabetes and all its technology.  I wrote about feeling like a bionic woman during my first week with Constance.  However, if I were truly a bionic woman, I would have perfect, ideal measurements around a blemish-free body.  A true bionic woman would look like Robin William's mate in Bicentennial Man: 

You want me to put the site where?!  

But unfortunately, I don't have the perfect body (with or without metal).  I simply wear two devices on top of my not-so-perfect, fleshy body.  Which can make for some interesting self-esteem issues.  Forget trying to look good any other time, but add necessary hardware to the mirror and there's only so much accessorizing you can do.  At the end of the day, a pump is a pump is a pump.  

Having a husband who sees through my technology really helps.  Trey and I have become so accustomed to my diabetes that it is often just the background noise in our marriage.  It seems the only time we ever talk about diabetes is when we're dealing with our insurance company.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  A woman wants to feel irresistible, at least in the eyes of her man.  And nothing makes me feel more beautiful than having him wrap his arms around my waist and not ignoring my pump site.  I'm often so careful going around it when I'm getting dressed, but he just thinks of it as a part of me. 

And there are certain times when I want diabetes to go away and let me and my body be.  Like, the beach, for example.  I own exactly one (and ONLY one) bikini.  I've only worn it once on my honeymoon 2 years ago.  Any other time an activity requires a bathing suit, I like to sport a tankini or a one piece with some shorts.  It's not that I'm ashamed of myself in a bikini, there's just a level of modesty and flesh exposure that I am comfortable with.  Even if I had the perfect super model body, I wouldn't feel comfortable showing that to my little nephews.  But for a beach vacation where it's going to be just me and my husband, I'm a little more comfortable wearing a bikini (with a handy cover-up always nearby).  And having a clip of diabetes technology on each side of my waist band is not something that you see on the fashion runway.  (By the way, has there ever been a diabetes fashion show?  You know, showing stylish ways to show or hide your pump and CGM?  That would be awesome!)  

I love my one (and ONLY) bikini!  It's royal metallic blue, with adjustable waist band holders, making it easier to put my clips wherever is most comfortable.  I've dealt with string bikinis before, but it would be impossible to trust a small piece of clothing to hold up a dense plastic pump. And I love the top piece and how it ties around my neck, the thicker pieces of fabric make me feel secure (but that's not necessarily a diabetes thing).  I am so looking forward to take this down for our beach trip (next month!  Yay!) and laying out.  The only real concern I have is getting a circular tan line around my pump site.  

And now, for sake of integrity and transparency, I'm going to post a pic of my bikini.  

*sigh*  Here we go . . . 

It's now or never . . . 

And . . . 

What?!  You thought I was going to post ME in the bikini?!  Buahahaha!



  1. LOL!!! LOVED this post! :-)
    I'm just like you when it comes to shape - thin uptop and bigger down bottom. It's always made pants hard to buy too. :-( So I know exactly what you mean when you say "Pear" shapped!

  2. Great post! Love the bikini! Love supportive partners! Interested to know that you still wear the pump with the bikini. Darren and I are taking a vacation soon, a cruise, and I am considering going back to MDI just for the week...After reading your post, maybe I'll reconsider.


  3. Super cute. The bikini pic. Love it! And I love the D-fashion show idea. Fantastic. I love supportive sweeties too. Love the whole thing! :)

  4. I am such a bottom-heavy pear too. I wish people could only ever see me from the waist up - LOL. I try to find the bright side though . . . all of that extra flesh on my bottom, hips and thighs gives me plenty of cyborg real estate. *sigh*


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DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, nurse, certified diabetes educator (CDE) or any medical professional of any kind. (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express!) Therefore, please do not use any of my postings as medical fact. I am simply a blogger expressing my highs and lows (pun intended) with diabetes. For changes in your medication, exercise regiment, or diet please consult a qualified physician.

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My name is Holly and I live in north Alabama with my hubby, two cats, and a dog.