We Did This!

Today is a very special day for my friend Kim who started the You Can Do This project on this day last year.  YCDT is a movement for members of the DOC to post videos of their journey with diabetes for other people with diabetes to relate to, be inspired by, or simply not feel alone.  It's a great website to visit for those days when diabetes becomes too much to handle.  I know a lot of people will join me in thanking Kim for this awesome movement and what's meant to all people affected by diabetes.  

I've yet to make a video, but my idea for one is in the works.  First, I need to by some shotgun shells and a movie poster to "Steel Magnolias".  You feel me? 

High Risk Outcast

For the past month or so, I'm thankful to say that my pregnancy has been fairly boring.  My weight gain has plateaued (34 lbs.) and so has my insulin resistance (42 units basal, and 1:6 bolus ratio).  The last 2 OB appointments have gone very smooth; in fact, I've spent more time in the waiting room than actually seeing my doctor.  My blood pressure and urine have all come back fine, which I count as a huge blessing.  For most of my formerly-pregnant friends who ended up getting complications such as preeclampsia, the symptoms started showing by now.  So I feel like I've beat some personal goal by making it to 34 weeks and everything about me seems like a normal, non-diabetic pregnant woman. 

But I feel very at home with my OB, and he treats me as a unique patient and doesn't generalize me for my type 1 diabetes.  That hasn't been the case everywhere else.  For example, at our prepared childbirth class last weekend.  Initially, I was very excited about this class because I wanted to get an idea of what to expect during labor (either naturally or induced) and I was anxious to tour the maternity center where I would be giving said birth.  

The class started out great.  We went through the overall process of labor from early labor to transition to PUUUUUUUUSHing.  The morning teacher made me feel like I could handle the type of labor I wanted because it is 90% mental anyway.  Plus, she said regardless of how long ago it happens, every woman remembers the details of her child's birth.  So it's so important to mentally prepare yourself and fight for what you want.  We broke for lunch, and I felt great.  At this point, no one knew I was a type 1 diabetic or that I was considered "high risk".  

Then came the afternoon, and a different teacher took over.  Her job was to talk to us about medical interventions like inductions, epidurals, and C-sections.  I wasn't scared of this part because I figured some of these interventions might be in my future.  Before we got into the part on C-sections, the teacher threw out this random statistic because she had just got back from a conference on diabetes and pregnancy.  "Did you know that 85% of all diabetic pregnancies end in a C-section?"  And she starts the video.  

I lost it.  I looked at Trey and said, "Well, isn't that wonderful?"  Tears began falling down my face.  Snot was running down my nose.  And I had to muffle my mouth from the heaves that were coming up.  Really?!  85 percent?!  So even if I do everything right, I only have a 15% chance of having a vaginal delivery?!  I was distraught and could barely pay attention to the video.  It ends and the lights come on.  I calm myself enough to listen to the cord blood banking guy, the last talk before the maternity center tour.  

I tried pushing that number out of my mind while we went on the tour.  I reserved that I would deal with it later.  One of the reasons I chose the hospital I chose is because a) my doctor is right next door and b) they have these LDRP rooms where every process of labor is done in one room.  I wouldn't have to labor in one room and then be escorted to another room for recovery.  These rooms are great, they're set up like your grandmother's bedroom with a quilted bed, rocking chair, and warm decorations.  The same afternoon teacher told us that these rooms have everything that a typical LDR room has, but you get to stay here the whole time after baby is born.  "However, we typically only use these rooms for our low-risk patients."  I raised my hand and revealed myself to the whole class.  "So with me being type 1 . . . "  She responded, "Yeah, it's unlikely you'll get to use these rooms."  Again, I was shot down due to my category and nothing to do with me.  

Trey and I got in the car and headed home, and I felt like I had completely wasted the entire day.  I felt so defeated.  I don't care if I have to have a C-section or have to be quarantined to a room deemed suitable for high-risk patients if my daughter comes out healthy and safe.  BUT.  I feel like my story has already been written even before I'm there.  I want to have some say in how my body is dealt with, but right then I felt like I was just at the doctor's will.  I cried the whole way home, and that's a long 30-minute drive.  

Thankfully, I had an OB appointment this past Monday, and I basically told him everything that happened at the childbirth class.  I told him I felt very discouraged.  My doctor, always the sensitive guy, looked me in the eye and said, "That's not true.  That 85% MIGHT be true for uncontrolled diabetics, but definitely not for you.  And you have the choice to use the LDRP room, I'll see to it.  As far as I'm concerned, you have a good chance at a vaginal delivery."  I dried my eyes that had been wet for the past 2 days, and made my appointment for 36 weeks.  My endo even told me that given how good my pregnancy has gone, he would let me go to 40 weeks no problem.  

I know I shouldn't let these things get to me.  I should be used to people generalizing diabetics into some doomsday category.  My story is still unwritten.  I want every pregnant type 1 to know that they don't have to submit to anything that "should be" just because of our category.  We are high-risk, not "high maintenance enough that we don't want to give you a chance".  Several people have already asked me if they were going to take my baby early or if I have a C-section scheduled.  No and no!  If you take away this stupid disease and just look at ME, I am 100% healthy and so is my little girl.  Let's take off the vial glasses and look at ourselves as individuals.  Because as one of my good friends says, "Diabetes doesn't define me (!), it just explains me." 

Settling Out

I like this view.

Thanks to some recommendations that I received on my last post, this last week of blood sugar management has been a lot better. In fact, I went a whole day without crossing my high threshold on my Dexcom (160 mg/dL). So I want to thank everyone who offered great advice or simply said, "It's OK. You can do this."

The main suggestion that I'm following is keeping my old site in even after I put in a new one. I take the cap from my new site packaging, put it on the old one, and keep it on there for at least 12 hours. Ideally, I would like to change my site before bedtime to give it the most time to get "wet" before I try to bolus for a meal. But of course the units don't always line up that way. I have succumbed to giving myself injections when I have to change my site right before a meal, but I'm weary of doing this because I really like the "Active Insulin" feature on my pump. I like knowing how many units I have on top of my basal rates, especially before I go to bed. Because despite the huge amounts of insulin I'm taking compared to pre-pregnancy, I still struggle with nighttime lows.

Speaking of basal rates, I'm currently streaming over 32 units/day (my pre-pregnancy rate was 18 units/day). It seems I need a good increase in my rates at least once a week. So I've been increasing my rates by the lowest amount (0.05 units/hour) every 3 days. Combined with my current insulin:carb ratio that is set at 1:6, I'm going through cartridges every three days or less. I've learned to keep a site change set with me at all times because I tend to forget about it until I get my "Low Reservoir" warning, which doesn't leave me much time to cruise on the units I have left. I expect these increases to continue until the last month of my pregnancy, based on what I've read from other type 1 pregnancies.

On the regular pregnancy front (as if there is such a thing), I am getting bigger and definitely more uncomfortable. As of this morning, I broke the 25-lb. threshold from my pre-pregnancy weight. I told myself in the beginning that I wouldn't worry about the number as long as I and baby are healthy, but it is really hard to see that number (and to think about losing it all later, eesh). I have to sleep with a body hug pillow every night to ease the middle-of-the-night cramps that have plagued me for the past few weeks.  Also, I believe I felt my first Braxton-Hicks contraction last weekend. It wasn't painful or uncomfortable, but I definitely noticed it. I've got another appointment on Monday for my 28-week checkup that will include another ultrasound. And I'm very excited about this appointment because it's been 10 weeks since I've gotten a look at our little girl. After this appointment, I'll start going every 2 weeks. So I need to restock my Nook for all that time I'll spend in the waiting room.

I'm officially in the third trimester now. The home stretch, the light at the end of the tunnel, the final lap, etc. I'm getting less freaked out about this whole pregnancy thing, and more freaked out about the whole parenting thing!

24 Weeks: Tunnel Vision

I am 24 weeks pregnant this week. And the cruel reality that I'm 6 months pregnant but I have 4 to go has hit me. Even though I'm over halfway through this pregnancy, I feel like I have a long way to go. Namely because I discussed my labor plans with my OB and endo this week, which means I have to think about her actually being here and that stresses me out because the only thing we've done is paint her room. (Actually, Trey painted. I'm banned from all paint fumes, and thus her room for the next few days.)  This post is rather long, so I'll try to break it up into each appointment to give any readers proper intermission breaks.  

OB: 

My OB appointment last week was filled with more questions on my part.  I'm pretty sure I talked more than my OB, but he's a patient guy and willing to indulge me for my sanity.  The appointment started out the same as all the others:  pee in this cup, step on this scale (I'm up 20 lbs total), sit here while we take your blood pressure (122/70).  This was the first appointment where Trey didn't accompany me, and it felt weird.  I told him he was welcome to come to any appointments he wanted, but he was busy with grad school shenanigans so I was flying solo this trip.  The nurse used the Doppler to find my little monkey's heartbeat, which was whump-whumping at 163 bpm.  She cooperated a little more this time, but I think she's running out of room to escape the intrusive wand.  

The doctor came in and he immediately noticed my list of questions on my iPod sitting in my lap.  "Go ahead.  Fire away."  The first thing I asked him was the plan for the rest of my appointments going forward.  He said the plan is to keep seeing me once a month until 28 weeks, then I'll go to every 2 weeks until 36 weeks.  After that I'll be going once a week to check my cervix (sorry, TMI) and baby's position for upcoming labor.  In addition, I'll also be doing non-stress tests 2-3 times a week starting at 37 weeks.  So for the last month of my pregnancy, I'll be camping at the doctor's office at least 3 times a week.  (I think I'm gonna go ahead and start my maternity leave then, because I'll be spending more time with the doctor than at my own office.)

The next thing I asked about was the plans for labor.  My OB said the current plan for me is to get to at least 39 weeks, but he will not let me go past 40 weeks.  He doesn't want me going into labor on my own.  Considering my mother didn't go into labor with me and my brother until 43 and 42 weeks, respectively (What were doctors in the 70s and 80s thinking, anyway?!), it's a good assumption that I will be induced.  His reasoning for this is that he wants to keep an eye on my numbers from start to finish.  I'm sure I'll do that on my own, especially with a CGM, but he'll be able to give me guidance on insulin dosage depending on what stage of labor I'm in.  He also wants me to keep my pump on during labor (thank you! thank you! thank you!), and I'll be allowed to treat lows at my leisure with juice or whatever to eat (so no glucose drip, yes!).  

At first, I was kinda "eh" about not being able to go into labor on my own.  I'm not a natural childbirth advocate or anything, and I've already said that is not the most important thing to me.  But I hate feeling like I don't even have the option.  But such is the life with diabetes.  Bottom line:  there are certain things I'll never be able to do because of this stupid disease like join the military, become an astronaut (even though my friend April is going to break that rule), and be allowed to have a granola experience with child birthing.  Now that I've had a few days to think it over, I'm at peace with this plan.  I'm more comfortable with things being planned in advance, and I know my doctor won't force my body to do something it's not ready for (I do trust him, by the way).  And I'd rather have time to get used to being induced and research it before that day arrives.  So it looks like May 28th is the absolute latest for my girl's birthday, or earlier depending upon induction date.  

ENDO:  

I also had an endo appointment yesterday.  I knew my numbers were still solid, but I didn't expect to hover around the 5.1% A1c I had last time.  In fact, my A1c crept up to 5.4%.  The nurse assured me that this is still a good number for pregnancy, but it's obvious that my insulin resistance is beginning.  I've increased my basal rates by 3 units this week alone.  But I also know that my number of lows has decreased dramatically.  So I'm taking this increase as a sign that things are settling out more than "OMG, need more insulin now!"  And I'm all for less lows.  

My endo and I discussed my numbers and my recent ER visit.  I told him my OB's plan for inducing me, and I asked him if he had any plans, insulin wise, that I should be aware of.  I was a little surprised, because my endo told me that once I start having contractions I should suspend my pump.  *insert confused face here*  He explained that the uterus is one big muscle, and once it starts contracting it's like going through one long workout.  And I always suspend my pump if I'm going to workout, so the logic makes sense.  I just can't imagine going through such diabetes maintenance for 9 (10!) months just to say "Goodbye, pump!  See you in a few hours!"  He said even if I suspend my pump, it's still possible for me to see a lot of lows.  I'm still wrapping my head around this plan, and a lot of it will be making decisions hour-by-hour.  But right now I'm still walking around whispering "No pump?  No pump?"  I'm sure people think I need a white jacket. 

FINALLY: 

And finally, I have one big concern that's bothering me:  my belly button.  I've always been sensitive about my belly button.  I don't like anyone to touch it because it feels weird, like a dead sensation where there's no nerve endings but I know someone's touching and I don't like it!  It drives Trey crazy because he thinks I have a cute belly button, especially now because it's pushing out into an outie.  Well, it's like a half-outie at this point.   The top part is pushing out, making my stomach look like a face with no eyes or mouth and a weird looking nose.  And so that dead feeling is a constant because my belly button is rubbing on my tight shirts and maternity pants.  I know that pregnant bellies are beautiful and people want to touch them, but I'm not liking this, not one bit. 

 

My (whoa!) belly with said half-outie. 

So to recap:  baby is still in there (she moves all the time!) and doing great, both of my doctors are aware of the plan for the rest of my pregnancy and potential labor, and my expanding belly is sporting an outie belly button.  I hope you've enjoyed this super long post, because I need a potty break (something I'm doing every hour I'm awake). 

Just Talking with my Husband

Last year, I had the privilege of being a guest on Chris' podcast.  We talked about all things diabetes, house remodeling, and football, because those things go together. 

This year, he and Dayle came over for dinner and a delicious dessert, and we recorded a podcast where the featured guest was none other than my hubby.  This is truly a treat because Trey is sort of anti-internet exposure (yet, he's married to a blogger. oh the irony!).  He was a good sport and stayed for the whole hour, even though he promised only 15 minutes.  We talked about his fascination with lasers, fire-building, and hatchets--good guy topics.  We also talked about getting used to diabetes as a married couple and my pregnancy thus far. 

Enjoy! 

Not a Goat

Thanks to everyone regarding my last post.  This disease is an emotional one as well as a physical one, but I'm so glad I have this platform to gain support and have virtual arms wrap around me.  Things have leveled out, finally, and I feel confident going forward.  

I just wanted to update you all that our appointment went great!  We have a perfectly healthy little baby with all the right organs in all the right places.  But you'll have to wait on the gender announcement for a few days.  We have a few people we need to tell first, like grandparents and stuff.  

Boy or girl, I am just so happy with this gift that I want to burst.  I'm also glad it's not a goat. 

Grateful to Celebrate

Yesterday was my 5th anniversary of being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  Given that fact, I probably didn't "celebrate" in the way I should have.  I didn't have anything truly "bolus worthy" like a cupcake, nor did I really make a big deal out of it other than a Twitter update.  In fact, yesterday was more reflective than anything, surrounded by my normal Sunday activities--church, laundry, and some light Christmas shopping. 

Thinking back to that day, more than anything I'm extremely grateful.  I'm grateful that I made it through diabetic ketoacidosis and surviving a blood sugar above 1400 mg/dL.  I'm grateful that I've avoided any complications to date, even if my diabetes is still young--I will continue to celebrate that fact as long as it's true.  I'm grateful that I've managed this disease on my own from the very beginning with an average A1c of 6.5%.  I'm grateful that I haven't let this disease define who I am, and never will. 

Diabetes is hard and diabetes sucks, big time!  I've certainly had my breakdown moments, like when I threw my CGM across the room when I was over 400 mg/dL (thank you, bad insulin).  And I don't want to count the number of times I've gone to bed crying into my husband's arms because of a stupid number.  These moments happen and will happen again, and I've learned that they need to happen because it's my nature to be emotional and let things blow once in awhile.  I can't be ashamed of my tears, because they remind me that I need to rely on God. 

I hope to be here another 50 years with this disease.  Maybe there will be a cure, maybe not.  Personally, I'm not holding my breath.  Right now, I just want to celebrate the fact that I AM HERE, when I shouldn't be.  So many things in this life don't matter.  But those that do matter, I want to celebrate.  I want to celebrate my family who poured over me in love in those first few weeks after my diagnosis.  I want to celebrate my wonderful husband whose arms are the safest place in the world.  I want to celebrate my friends and everyone in the DOC. 

I want to celebrate simply because I can, and that's something worth celebrating. 

Pregnancy Update and Morning Sickness

First of all, I want to thank everyone for all the wonderful comments on my pregnancy announcement. I still go back and read all of them multiple times throughout the day. I definitely feel the support and love of the DOC. Now that I'm "out", I wanted to give you guys a quick update on my pregnancy so far these past 9 weeks.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I didn't really have any symptoms. I had some soreness and cramping, but nothing that was discomforting. But once I hit 6 weeks, it was like the plethora of pregnancy symptoms hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had heard about the pregnancy lows accompanied with a type 1 diabetic pregnancy, but I didn't realize that they were on a completely different scale. It's like my body wants to be at 60 mg/dL all the time without any symptoms. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS I have a CGM. The majority of the time, Constance catches my lows before I feel them. I honestly don't know how low I could be most of the time without her alerting me. The only problem with this is she seems to go off all. the. time! Especially when I (try to) sleep, she keeps beeping at me every hour that I'm below 70 mg/dL. And when she woke me up last night at 1 AM for the 5 millionth time, I busted out into tears because I just freaking wanted to sleep. I know these lows are manageable and it's better for me to hang out in the basement end of my range for the next few weeks, but I'm looking forward to getting back to the 100s as "normal".

Another symptom that hit me in the gut is morning (umm, all day) sickness. I've always had a pretty strong stomach. Even if I get a whiff of something that turns my stomach, I can usually hold it in and still eat like nothing happened. But it seems that pregnancy has turned my iron stomach into mush. And the main culprit that makes me run to the bathroom? Ground beef. Even just typing that makes me try to think of something else. But as it stands right now, I can't even look at a hamburger right now without turning the other way (towards the bathroom).

This pregnancy side effect actually caused me to lose 5 pounds the first three weeks I was pregnant. But it seems I have turned a corner recently because I can eat something larger than a tennis ball. The nausea is still there, mainly when I first wake up and if I go more than 3 hours between meals.

At my 2nd appointment with my endo since I found out I was pregnant (where my A1c was 5.5%! Woo!), I asked him what was the standard procedure with insulin and puking. Because I mainly worry about "eliminating" something I just bolused for and the oncoming low. He said the best thing I can do is either suspend my pump or put my bolus on an extended square for an hour or two to make sure I keep most of my meal down.

I've got roughly 3 more weeks of the pukes before it hopefully gives up altogether. Until then, I'll keep my diabetes supplies stashed with diet ginger ale and whole wheat crackers.

My new love.

Music Therapy

I love listening to music!  I'm not musically-inclined at all (minus that one year I played flute in junior high), but I definitely feel my soul lifting when I hear a good song.  I gravitate towards songs that have some inspiration behind them.  One of my favorite artists right now is Manafest (a Canadian Christian rapper, eh?), and I'm really digging on his new song "Every Time You Run".  I've heard this song a couple times before, but today when I heard the chorus I thought about the DOC. 

Every time you run, every time you hide

Every time it hurts, every time you cry

Every time you run away, every time you hide your face

And it feels so far away, I'm right here with you

I know we all experience some bought of diabetes burnout at some point or another.  When I heard this song today, I just wanted to give everyone in the DOC a big hug and let you know that we are here together.  We are in this together.  You can lean on us whenever you just feel like throwing your hands in the air and saying "Forget it!"  I love you, DOC, and I'm right here with you.  

The Rest of That Week

About 2 weeks ago, I promised to recap the rest of the week after the April 27th tornadoes that came through our area.  So what has happened since then that has prevented me from doing so?  I've been locked away in a lab doing some high voltage tests on flight instruments, unable to keep up with the social media world.  (I'VE MISSED YOU GUYS!!!)  But I do want to give you guys a small recap, because diabetes was in the mix during all that mess. Then I can get back to regular diabetes shenanigans.

The morning after the storms was like camping.  We broke out the Coleman stove and our camping kitchenware and made fried eggs and oatmeal.  We were also able to make coffee using boiled water and our French press (I knew that thing would come in handy one day).  After breakfast, we attempted to begin the cleanup process.  Trey began cleaning up the yard, and I proceeded to cleanup . . . the house?!  As strange as it sounds, it made me feel better during all the chaos to keep a clean house. 

Soon after we cleaned up, we got a call that a relative of ours had an extra generator they could lend us.  So we hopped in the car with barely enough gas to get us there and back.  We attempted to get gas while we were out, but most places were either without power or had lines over 2 miles long.  You'd waste more gas sitting in line than what you would get.  While we were out, I got in touch with most of our friends to make sure they were OK, but cell phone connection was spotty at best. 

Back at home, we hooked up the generator and plugged in all our necessary appliances:  refrigerator, freezer, coffee pot, the essentials.  We also plugged in the radio, which was our main source of communication to the outside world.  Callers would tell the DJs where there was gas, generators, food, etc. 

And when we weren't outside cleaning up debris, we were inside listening to the radio and getting by on our own entertainment.  Trey would play one of his non-online games on his laptop, and I would lose myself in the book Helter Skelter.  I've always wanted to read this book, and this week provided the perfect opportunity.  It's been such a long time since I read a book for fun, and with nothing else to do all day, I would camp out on the couch and read until there wasn't anymore light.  I would even go outside and read on the patio to get the last few minutes of daylight that I could.  I finished the book on the last day before we got power back. 

We eventually settled into a routine each day where we would get up, turn on the generator, make some breakfast, clean up our yard or help out our neighbors with their yard, fix some lunch, hang out listening to the radio while reading or playing, make dinner, and go to bed with the sun around 8 PM.  Showers became something I looked forward to and feared at the same time with temperatures around, oh, freezing.  As some restaurants became open (on generators), we would spend most of our meals out just to escape the house for awhile.  This lead to the decline in my diabetes control. 

The first part of the week, my numbers were awesome.  We were spending most of our time pretty active in cleaning up the branches and tree limbs in our yard.  But towards the end of the week when were just hanging out and going out to eat, my numbers started creeping up.  Also, I was missing one thing pretty vital to my diabetes management--routine!  I was so out of sorts without exercising and carb counting.  I bumped up my basal rates towards the end of the week to account for the creeping, and they've stayed there ever since.  I'm hoping that they can start to come back down now that I can keep a steady routine. 

Six days later we got power back, and 13 days later we got cable/internet.  The debris is (mostly) gone and life has gotten back to (somewhat) normal.  And I've learned several things that I need to be better prepared for another natural disaster:  a battery-powered or hand-crank radio, back-up to my back-up D supplies (thankfully, I just did a pharmacy refill right before the storms), and always ALWAYS have a good book on hand. 

As the cleanup here still goes on and we see the saddening effects of other storms in Joplin and other areas, I hope we all take a moment to be better prepared and remember those who lost their lives.  We were EXTREMELY lucky during all this to only have lost a tree and some meat in the freezer.  Some people lost everything!  I still get a little choked up on my ride home where the horizon of pine trees has been lost to what looks like toothpicks with no branches.  Thanks to everyone who sent me texts and emails asking if we were OK.  Above everything else, I'm so glad to have the love of the DOC! 

Lows with Lowering Weight

So it's been 2 weeks since my endo suggested that I lose 10 lbs in order to lower the elevated blood pressure I've been having.  And I've stuck to my diet for the most part (usually within 100 calories of my goal) and have kept up a good workout routine including 2 spinning classes a week, jogging 2 miles around my neighborhood, and frequenting my Wii Fit Plus. 

I knew once I started losing weight that my insulin needs would decrease.  This has been evident by the increased number of lows that I've been having.  As far as the scale goes, I've only lost one pound since my appointment, but my body feels like it's more.  But I need to something about these lows because the calories spent correcting them will only hinder my weight loss.  For example, an 8-minute ride on the stationary bike at physical therapy had me at 47 mg/dL?! 

I don't think my basal rate(s) need to be messed with at this time, because my nighttime numbers are spot on if I go to bed in range (80-130 mg/dL).  The majority of my lows seem to occur after working out, which means I'm not disconnecting Arnold soon enough or I'm jacking up my IOB from my meals.  And my insulin:carb ratio seems to have my post-prandials a little lower than I like for them to be.  So I decreased my I:C ratio from 1:12 to 1:15 in hopes of avoiding these lows, and I'll make a point to disconnect Arnold (or at least turn him down) to avoid the post-workout lows. 

But I would love to hear from another type 1 diabetic who has successfully lost weight!  Please, help me figure out how to avoid these lows so I'm not wasting a spinning class on glucose tabs.  And as delicious as it is, I'm getting tired of eating spoonfuls of peanut butter before bed.  Any advice/suggestions would be extremely helpful! 

Spinning? Insane!

So I bit the bullet yesterday and attended the spinning class I talked about.  I was actually nervous all day about it, checking Constance to make sure I was going to be at a good number before the class, and taking mental notes about my knee.  I had done some lunges the night before, and my knee was (not) thanking me for it.  But I decided I was at least going to try. 

I get to the gym and take a number for a bike; apparently, you have to reserve a spot for this class.  Another guy took a number for the class, and asked me if it was my first time.  "Yeah," I said sheepishly.  Well, the very nice gentleman gave me the run down on the bikes, how to adjust my seat, and how nice the instructor was.  "If you haven't warmed up your legs yet, I'd suggest doing so.  This class can get pretty intense," he advised.  "Thanks, but I just warmed up by doing the half-mile trail outside."  Before this, I had disconnected from Arnold in order to be "unplugged" for an hour by the time the class started.  I didn't want to take any chances of going low.  I checked my blood sugar before the class:  135 mg/dL--perfect, a little high but not crazy.  And I had Constance neatly tucked into a thigh holster I had purchased for my wedding: 

Apparently my pump and CGM are the same size in spandex. 

The instructor was running late, so the rest of the class members just started pedaling at their own pace as a warm-up.  I followed suit, making sure my feet were properly strapped in.  The instructor finally shows up, and the nice gentleman who helped me pointed me out to her as "We have a new person!"  Greaaaaaat, nothing like calling me out to the whole class to make me feel welcome.  She welcomes me and proceeds to tell me that my seat is too low.  We adjust my seat together, and she takes her spot at the front of the class. 

Now, anytime I've ever seen a spinning class on TV, I've always imagined a very sweaty Nazi-type lady with a perfect physique welling at everyone, "Faster!"  Turns out the devil wasn't the trainer (she was very nice), it was that stupid resistance knob!  After we warmed up, the instructor told us "Half a turn" and we would pick up the pace, standing on the bike, sprinting like our life depended on it.  My legs felt like they were on fire!  I honestly felt like stopping at one point, then the instructor said, "Twenty more seconds, all you've got!"  I thought, "I can do 20 more seconds."  I used that mindset the whole class when I felt like it was getting to be too much, "Just keep going, a few more seconds." 

We ended the class doing "jumps", which means anytime the instructor said "Up!" we had to stand up on our bike and pedal like a gazelle until she said, "Down!"  I wasn't as quick with my "jumps" as the other class members, but I held my own.  We did these jumps for about 5 minutes, then ended the class with the lowest resistance and a "nice leisurely stroll through the countryside" as my instructor said.  I kept a water bottle close at hand during the class, but I had my little bag of glucose tabs and mini meter behind my bike, just in case.  I check my blood sugar at the end of the class:  104 mg/dL!  I decided to remain unconnected for the drive home, in case my BG decided to take a nose dive after such an aerobic workout.  My knee never gave me any trouble, either, so no worries there. 

And what better way to arrive home than to my hubby making smoked salmon in the new grill for one of my favorite low-carb meals:  Salmon Caesar Salad.  And according to myfitnesspal, I burned 374 calories during my spinning class, which earned me the right to cheesecake after dinner in order to make my minimum calories for the day.  Yum! 

Oh yeah, and thank you guys so much for all the support after my Overwhelmed post.  I've realized that it's probably not just my weight that's contributing to my blood pressure problems, but also my stressful lifestyle.  I need to get out and do things that are fun, more than worrying about burning calories.  And as much as I liked the spinning class, I'm looking forward to hitting the trails again (maybe this weekend). 

Have a great weekend! 

Things on My Radar

Yesterday I had my yearly female appointment with my gynecologist.  Even though his office is labeled as OB/GYN, I like to invert the two and add an "O" making him my "GYNOOB" (pronounced "guy"-"noob"), cuz I'm mature like that. 

I know most women can't say this, but I love my gynecologist!  Of all my doctors, he is definitely the nicest and most encouraging one I have.  Yes, you may have to wait over an hour past your appointment time to see him, but it's worth it when he takes your time with you and treats you like you're the only patient in the world.  (And especially with this kind of appointment, sensitivity and patience is key.)

He always makes a point to ask me, with genuine sincerity, about my diabetes.  I usually tell him, "Fine," but I know I could say, "It's a pain in the arse," if I wanted to.  When he asked me what my last A1c was and I said 6.3, he looked up from his chart and smiled, "Good for you!  That's awesome!"  "Thanks, I just try to keep up with it," I shrugged. This (A1c) point led to an interesting topic between us:

Me:  "So, what would be your threshold for, say, pregnancy?"

Dr. (smiling):  "Oh that's a great topic!  I would want you to stay under 7.0, but that will be controlled by you and your endo.  Who are you seeing for that?"

Me:  "Dr. [insert name here], the one with the 'special' sense of humor."

Dr. (stomping his foot and laughing):  "That is so true, he's definitely unique."

Nice to know even another doctor notices my endo's dry personality.  Should make April feel better.  ;-)

So after this nice little chat and my *ahem* exam, he looked me in the eye and told me I was just as healthy as any other woman who desires children.  "That's what I wanted to hear," I said and he walked out the door.  And before I left the room, I paused and held onto his words like they were charms on a bracelet:  "just as healthy".  Even though we're not trying for a baby right now, I like knowing that we could.  Like the power of my diabetes is harnessed and chained, under my control.  I couldn't help feeling a little empowered, like some goddess of femininity wielding a pump and CGM.

Trey and I talk about having kids all the time, like they're already here or something.  And sometimes I forget that having diabetes makes that dream a little more of a nightmare.  I'm not afraid of the lab-rat-type testing I'll undergo, or even the constant warnings of complications due to high blood sugars.  The one thing I'm afraid of more than anything:  motherhood itself.  I know I want kids, and I desire them more than anything.  I get all teary-eyed at posts like this one and get chills thinking about someone calling me, "Mommy."  But I'm a little anxious about the 180 life-change that will follow.  It's the same anxiety I felt before college, getting married, buying a house, or adopting another dog.  It's the anxiety of not being prepared for something very important, only to realize there's NO WAY to be fully prepared to begin with.

It's so strange to desire something that you're terrified of, like WANTING to be bitten by a snake (who would want that?!).  To be responsible for a life, a soul, that will rely on you to know how to walk through this life.  Hoping that they find God's love, and praying you're not going to screw it up!  And wondering how can you love someone so much that you haven't even met!  (CC:  Facing the Giants)

I don't know, we're so far ahead of the literal pregnancy/diabetes stuff that I'm still focused on the big picture.  All I can say is that I'm excited and terrified, especially now that I've added a new label to my blog:  pregnancy.

Whoa!  Things are starting to get too real around here.  So to level things out, here's a picture of my dog gassing me with one of her rancid farts. 

Aaaaaaaand, we're back!  =)

Goodbye, Constance v1.0

Sunday morning after church, Trey and I headed to Target to get the things we needed for our Valentine's Dinner at home (which was awesome, by the way!).  As soon as we got in the car, Constance was blaring from my pocket like she was just being turned on.  "Holy random restart!" I said.  This was the 3rd time in twelve hours that she had voluntarily restarted herself.  She always got back on track when she came back on, but it was still weird, loud, and inconvenient. 

Halfway through our Target trip, she let out a loud, long shriek like she was screaming out her last breath.  I look down saw this weird error message:

The low prices were to die for!  *wah wah wah*

So I called Dexcom and before I could get to the 4th character in the error message they said, "Oh yeah, that's a hardware error.  We'll overnight you a new receiver."  Apparently, this error message is not all that uncommon.  I confirmed this with some conversations with my Twitter D-peeps yesterday. 

I've kept my sensor in my abdomen during this time because it was still going strong before Constance died, so I'd like to already have a "wet" sensor when my new receiver comes this afternoon.  And it's been a little weird going without a CGM these past two days after being a "real-time" diabetic for the past 7 months.  And it's been nice to not have that constant reminder that I'm diabetic or the incessant BEEEEEEEPing. 

But it didn't take long to remind me why I wanted a CGM in the first place.  I had to mentally take stock of how I felt anytime I had the urge to reach for my phantom CGM.  I was reminded of the cartoon flyer I received when I got out of the hospital, explaining the symptoms of hypoglycemia: 

I'm pretty sure this is in every "diagnosis packet". 

I started to develop what I call "Low-CD", which basically means having OCD anxiety about going low.  Anytime I had one of these symptoms, I wanted to check.  I was quickly running out of test strips (and patience).  One time I was sure I was low, but a test proved me wrong at 128 mg/dL.  Now, it could have been that I was falling from a higher BG, thus prompting some mild low symptoms.  It's for this reason that I want my CGM back, regardless of the constant BEEEEEEEPing. 

Daily Bread

My favorite verse in the entire Bible is Matthew 6:34 (Jesus speaking),

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I first fell in love with this verse when I was in college.  I was overwhelmed by a 19-hour class schedule while working a part-time job on campus.  I used this verse as inspiration to get things done that I could get done on that day, only.  If I started thinking about the future, getting a job, hopefully marrying my boyfriend, etc., I would get stressed out.  I had to bring my focus back to today, and only today.  

Then, at 22-years-old, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes through a DKA and hospitalization.  This disease requires constant, daily (sometime hourly) attention.  It doesn't sleep, and sometimes keeps me from sleeping.  One good day could be immediately followed by a bad one (Hello, my most recent weekend).  That variability frustrates me so much that I sometimes throw Constance across the room and fall on the floor in tears.  I don't have the strength to handle this disease every. single. day.  

I'm currently trying to read through the Bible in one year, and right now I am in Exodus.  I'm at the part after the Israelites have left Egypt and begin wondering through the desert.  They become restless at the lack of food, so Moses goes to God on their behalf asking Him to provide.  God provides them with something called manna or "bread of Heaven", which is described as a wafer with honey flavor (yum).  The only rule that God gave them was that they could only eat the manna they were given for that day.  If they tried to store the manna for the next day, it would sour and grow worms (eww).  

I thought about this "daily bread" story and how it deals with diabetes.  My ultimate goals with this disease are to successfully have as many children as my husband and I decide (not diabetes) and live long enough to see our 50th wedding anniversary.  Those are the only two things that I selfishly want, and I admit that.  And I know I'm not guaranteed those things, but I still want them.  But thinking about trying to maintain an A1c under 6.5 for 9 months while handling intense hormone swings already has me exhausted.  And trying to make it over 50 years with diabetes without any complications is going to be a major statistical feat.  My goals are not unreachable, but I feel too weak to even try.  

But I do have the energy to handle diabetes today, no matter ITS mood.  And sometimes I need to have enough energy to handle diabetes this hour, even the next 30 minutes after treating a low.  When I have a reading over 300 mg/dL, my immediate reaction is to do a correction no matter my IOB and crank up my basal to 200%.  I want to come down ASAP because my mind immediately goes to that dreaded c-word, "complications".  It's so hard to take the emotions out of my sliding scale formula.  

I am so weak, and this disease trains the life out of me (literally).  But I have learned to cherish today, and lean on others to help me through like my husband, my pets, the DOC, and my Lord.  My only hope is that this post helps someone out there, because after Kerri's PostSecret post I know there are plenty of people who feel drained by this disease, too. 

Spinning Diabetes?

The beauty of being on an insulin pump is the fact that I can turn down or turn off my insulin when I'm going to exercise.  And sometimes that exercise isn't "exercise," like grocery shopping or cleaning the house.  But I can still tailor my insulin needs depending upon my activity, not the other way around. 

That being said, there is still some research and tweaking to figuring out what basal setting work best for you and your activity.  I've wrote about finding a good basal setting for going walking with my dogs, and I've slowly started figuring out my basal settings for a few other things. 

• Walking--8%, set 30 minutes before, during, and 30 minutes after.
• Wii Fit--If only 30 minutes, no need to disconnect.  But if going for almost an hour, completely disconnect beforehand.
• Cleaning--20%, try to set 30 minutes beforehand if I remember, but still working on that. 
• Grocery Shopping--25% set 30 minutes before and during.  

And now that I've officially joined a gym, I need to figure out what basal settings I need for all those fun machines (elliptical, anyone), and I'm toying with the idea of doing the spinning class.  To be honest, this is kind of scaring the crap out of me.  Whenever I envision a spinning class, I see sweaty, exhausted bodies leaning over the handle bars like they're on a torture machine with a Nazi-like trainer at the front screaming, "Faster!".  So why do I want to try this class?  Because it is one of the best calorie-burning workouts!  And I'm trying to get rid of some of the fluffiness that my sedentary job has led me to.

So now I'm seeking out if there are any other diabetics out there have have successfully (or not) gone through a spinning class.  Even if you were unsuccessful and had to leave early with a debilitating low, tell me how it was and what you would do different.  I'd like to be as prepared as I can be.  My initial plan is to set my basal to 50% at least 30 minutes before the class (maybe an hour, I don't know), then completely disconnect during the glass.  I plan to have Constance front and center on the bike (if that's possible, but she'll be nearby that's for sure) and bring some Gatorade for the first few classes to make sure I have something quick to bring me up if I need it. 

Anyone else out there ever done a spinning class (D or non-D)?  What should I expect?  Am I crazy?  (Only in relation to this post, please.)

Calgon, Take Me . . . to Low Blood Sugars?

Last night, I had the rare opportunity of having an hour of nothing to do (what?!).  So I decided to use the occasion to take a bubble bath using my lavender-scented body wash and bath salts.   I tuned my iPod to my favorite radio station, and cranked the water to one degree below boiling, just how I like it.  And I enjoyed having the hour to myself (oh and Elvis the cat, who decided to hang out on toilet next to the tub.  totally.  awkward.). 

After I was done, I went into the living room to catch up on a little Facebook stalking before bed.  But before I could sit down on the couch, Constance was bzzzzzzing from my robe pocket.  "Low BG.  70 mg/dL" with a southeast arrow.  Then I finally took stock of how I felt:  racing heart, maybe sweaty but couldn't tell from just getting out of the tub, kinda fuzzy in the mind.  So I made a glass of milk and grabbed some Elf Fudge cookies before taking to Twitter to discuss this phenomenon. 

This isn't the first time that a hot bath or shower has induced a low blood sugar.  It could be the temperature of the water, which is well above my body temperature.  So, I'm basically boiling myself like a lobster, causing my heart to race--possibly causing the hypoglycemia?  You'd think being disconnected from Arnold for over an hour would have the opposite effect. 

Like this?

When I was first diagnosed, my mom (a nurse for 30+ years) told me that hanging out in the hot tub helps my dad (T2) with his blood sugar.  So, guess where I was the first 3 weeks of my diagnosis?  Do you think purchasing a hot tub could be written off as medical equipment?  (A girl can dream, right?) 

So has anyone else experienced this hypoglycemia phenomenon or managed to harness its power for good?  Like taking a bubble bath when having a stubborn high?  Or hanging out in the hot tub while eating pizza instead of taking a bolus?  The possibilities are endless! 

But regardless, I like Dayle's response.  "still waiting for my endo to prescribe more bubble baths! ;-)"  Me, too, Dayle.  Me too.  

Thanks (and an Update)

This past week has felt like it has gone by in a blink.  But first, I want to give everyone a HUGE thank you for all the comments on my Dear Papa post, text messages, and emails for the passing of my grandfather.  I felt so much comfort from my online family, you guys certainly deliver.  I also wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's been going on this past week.  

Trey and I traveled to south Alabama for my Papa's funeral.  We met with my family and extended family shortly before the funeral, and it was amazing to catch up with some relatives that I hadn't seen in 10 years.  Then it was time for the funeral, and I still don't know how that many people fit in that tiny church.  My Papa had been going to the same little Baptist church for over 40 years, and the pastor was also his neighbor.  He talked about how my papa never said a harsh word to anybody and praised him for his gentle spirit. 

I didn't cry until they presented my aunt with Papa's US flag for his service in the Navy.  The tears flowed all the way until the grave site.  The pastor gave me a hug and said, "Don't you worry about him, he's in a better place wearing smile.  He's not saying much, but he's wearing a smile," again referring to my Papa's quiet nature.  We said our goodbyes to him and the rest of our family, and the funeral was over. 

The rest of the week we spent going through Papa's house, visiting with family, and just relaxing.  Mom's home cooking contributed to me gaining 2 lbs during our trip (but I'm not complaining).  I also experienced my usual traveling/stress high BGs.  So as much as I enjoyed visiting with family and getting some time off, I'm looking forward to getting back to my normal routine--including more precise carb counting (i.e. not SWAG bolusing) and exercising. 

I've got a doctor's appointment this afternoon (but not with the bad doctor) to get a physical done and have my knee looked at again.  I'm also looking forward to getting started with the Wii Fit Plus, so look for my opinion on that later.  I'm looking forward to getting back to regular diabetes blogging (and catching up on all the blogs I've missed, whoa!). 

But again, THANK YOU!!!

Injured List

Without even thinking about it, I touched the tip of my right index finger to the very hot stove, trying to clean off some spillage.  I was on the phone with my dad and immediately said, "Ow!"  "What's wrong?!" he asked.  "Oh nothing, just burned myself on the stove.  This was about 2 weeks ago.  My clumsiness strikes again. 

A couple days later, the blister that had formed and swelled finally busted and allowed me to peel back the dead skin.  (I'm sorry, I know this is very TMI on a Monday morning.)  But the finger is still not well enough to use for testing.  I've written before about how between the regular 6-8 tests/day along with calibrating/quieting Constance, I am testing a lot more.  So I've had to expand my finger testing arsenal to all 10 fingers, including the very sensitive index and thumb fingers. 

You'd think that having only 9 fingers available instead of 10 wouldn't be that big of a deal.  But just like on a sports team when one player is out, the rest of the team has to pick up their slack.  And I can tell that the other 9 fingers are ready for the other finger to come back on the field.  The poor middle and ring fingers take the brunt of the testings (especially the middle of the night tests when I don't have the mental alertness to check all fingers for the least calloused).  And with getting through the holidays with all the carb-loaded goodies, testing has been at an all time high.  So it was like going into the championship game with a tired team. 

I'd say the injured finger still has a couple of days before it returns to the rotation.  And even then, it will have a few days of physical therapy, if you will, so it won't come back full force.  We diabetics always hear about how we're supposed to take care of our extremities, especially our feet.  But I think special care needs to be given towards our hands, as well.  Because when you're testing as much as 8-10 times/day, having one finger out of commission makes for a very weak testing team. 

Meme for 2010

So 2010 is coming to an end.  I have thought about all the things that have happened this year, and there's been enough to make even a normal person go "Whew!"  I'm also thinking about what I have planned for 2011, diabetes-wise and not.  I'm also extremely scattered brained from coming down from the holidays and all the food, so my 2010-ending post will be a year-recapping meme. 

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Ummm, help remodel a house!  I mainly helped in the clean-up process, but I also learned how to tape, mainly trim, and apply painter's tape. 

2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions from last year and will you make any for 2011?
I don't think I made any concrete ones for this year, but I am planning some for 2011 like reading the Bible in one year and creating my own D365 photo set. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I had a lot of friends give birth this year, but no one in my family. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I knew personally, but I always get sad when another T1 dies regardless if I knew them or not. 

5. What countries did you visit?
LOL, no countries, but I did go to Colorado and Florida for vacations

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I honestly can't think of anything that I truly need that I didn't have in 2010, guess I'm blessed. 

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory...and why?
January 25, 2010, the day we closed on the house. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Traveling down to KSC for my job and seeing the Shuttle in person.  It was so surreal and I reflected on how much I had come in my education/career. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Never fail, just keep trying.  ;-)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I'm still getting over a cold, but other than that just the usual cuts and bruises from my own clumsiness. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my Dexcom CGM.  OK, insurance bought most of it, but I'm making the quarterly copayments for the sensors. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I definitely have to Kerri because of her post from yesterday.  Her real perspective of being an adult with type 1 diabetes is so refreshing because it's not all good all the time.  But it's something we can all relate to, and I appreciate anyone who keeps a raw perspective about this beautiful mess called life. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
There's always the groups of people who continue to display their ignorance about diabetes, but it's become so commonplace that I don't feel appalled anymore. 

14. Where did most of your money go?
House stuff, house stuff, and more house stuff. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My CGM, I freakin' cried when I heard that my insurance would cover 90% of it. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I don't know about all of 2010, but I'm really digging "Avalanche" by Manafest. 

17. Compared to last year, are you...
...happier/sadder? much happier
...thinner/fatter? truthfully, fatter, but by like 5 or 6 lbs, meh. 
...richer/poorer? both, poorer because of house, but richer from the investment. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Ride my bike.  I really missed it. 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing, I feel like I didn't sit down enough and relax this year. 

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Shooting fireworks and hanging out with our marriage mentors and their family. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I always fall in love with my husband again and again and again.  ;-) 

22. How many one-night stands?
Ummm, this meme knows I'm married, right? 

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I must confess, Teen Mom, I was totally addicted to that trashy show. 

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I didn't hate anyone last year, and I don't hate anyone now. 

25. What was the best book you read in 2010?
The two books I read were Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and The Devil in the White City.  Between those two, I liked Midnight more, but I've heard that Leo DiCaprio is making a movie of Devil, and that excites me!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My favorite band of this year was definitely Skillet. 

27. What did you want AND get?
Constance.  =) 

28. What did you want and NOT get?
If there was anything, I can't remember, so it must not have been that important. 

29. What was your favorite film of the year?
I can't remember all the ones I saw, but the first one I thought of was Eclipse. 

30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
On my actual birthday, I went straight home from work to avoid the rain, and hung out watching movies on Netflix, I am 26-years-old. 

31. What ONE thing would have made your year immensely more satisfying?
Getting to meet more people from the DOC in person. 

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Slowly transitioning from poor grad student to young professional. 

33. What kept you sane?
My husband, but he always keeps me sane. 

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I kind of developed a crush on Eddie Izzard, which is weird since he's an executive transvestite. 

35. What political issues stirred you the most?
The main one that stirred me was a local law saying all dogs deemed "dangerous" needed to be leashed or fenced.  I don't like knowing the government is defining "dangerous" and how they're going to implement it. 

36. Whom did you miss?
A certain gal pal in Denver.  ;-)

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Everyone in the DOC.  Seriously, y'all are the best. 

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson that you learned in 2010.
It really doesn't help to stress, it's better to either tackle the problem and if you can't, let it be.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
From "More Like Falling in Love" by Jason Gray, "Cause all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my fee."  I've been really reflecting on this song because I've been wanting my faith to be more real in my life, not just Sundays.

So if you're feeling burnt out from the holidays and all the food, take this meme to finish out 2010!